Almost everyone walks around in a trance.

Look around.

See those vacant stares in the Walmart stores?

They park right in the middle of the aile.

People walking around in an daze, oblivious.

It’s the same thing in relationships.

People walking around like zombies.

Reacting to everything.

People have been hypnotized into beliefs about relationships.

Here’s a typical one.

If your parents got divorced, fought a lot, didn’t communicate, you are doomed to repeat a poor relationship.

That’s a load of donkey dump.

If you were abused by your parents, you are likely to abuse your own childen.

More donkey dump.

The only thing that determines whether you end up with a great relationship or great marriage is your mindset and your beliefs.

And after that, whether you can communicate.

You must be able to communicate the right way to have a great relationship.

I had a client I’ll call Carly.

She had been terribly abused by her parents.

Her parents had a horrible, screaming, nasty relationship.

Now she had a terrible relationship.

She was worried she was going to abuse her daughter.

Another therapist told her she was doomed to these things.

She was in a trance.

The trance was produced by the other therapist.

The other therapist poured donkey dump into Carly’s head.

Carly and I had two sessions.

On the first one I shocked her by telling her that her head was full of donkey dump and there was no reason she needed to worry about repeating her “past.”

She had to go home and think about it,

On the next session, she came and said she now felt free to have a great parenting and marriage relationship.

And her husband was relieved to hear this.

Then I told her that she didn’t need any more sessions.

All she needed was this and she didn’t need any more expensive therapy sessions.

This is the answer

http://www.NowYouCanCommunicate.com

To your great relationship,
Dr. Max

Steve from Dallas says that he works a lot, because he is trying to provide a good home and better opportunities for his wife and himself. His wife complains that she is lonely and wants him to spend more time at home.

Steve, in my book, I try to explain to couples how it is possible for two different people, who each have different requirements on what the marriage should include, to have a successful marriage. Growing up, I would bet that the two of you built different belief systems from what you observed from your parents and other couples. Hers is probably that she wants to be close to her husband, even if it means sacrificing working overtime to get the best house. Although there are ways to keep your spouse in mind when making decisions, you can’t change who you are or who your wife is. When you are deciding whether or not to finish the project or go home for dinner, try to remember your spouse’s history and belief system in the back of your mind.

Marianne from Minneapolis writes that her boyfriend is finishing graduate school soon, but wants to establish his career before getting married. She thought that they would get married after he graduated, and she now doesn’t know if she should wait for him.

Marianne,
In my book “You Don’t Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage” I point out to couples that to see into the future, they sometimes have to look in the past. He may not want to commit to marriage so soon because his parents got married before they had a chance to establish themselves, or for a hundred other reasons. What is important for you to realize is that you have to accept your boyfriend (and that means his decision) 100%. If you can’t do this before you are married, you may not be able to do it after you are married. It may be hard for you to wait, but rushing him (and making him change his beliefs) could cause him to resent you in the future.

Some friends just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary.

They seem very happy with each other… but who really knows?

Over the years in my practice and in my own personal life I’ve met a lot of people who stayed together in marrige for a long long time.

I’d have to say that these “long-time marrieds” fall into three categories.

1. Those who truly love each other and keep the fire of passion and interest alive. They are together because they truly want to be.

My parents were like that.

2. People who stay together because they think they should, it’s the right thing to do… but are either bored to tears with their marriage relationship or have turned it into something “irrelevant” like a form of hygiene, not particularly pleasant but not so terrible either.

3. People who truly don’t want to be together but are afraid of the consequences of breaking up.

Now I know people admire long marriages and celebrate the number of years like that is an accomplishment.

Personally options 2 and 3 are completely unacceptable to me… although I can see the values behind #2.

Number 3 seems like a dismal life.

Boldness in life is rare.

I say if you are going to be married give it all you have and turn it into a really great thing.

What’s the sense of being married if you don’t truly enjoy it or are miserable?

Convenience?

I think we can do better than that.

I believe in great marriage.

How about you?

To your great relationship future,

Dr. Max