Almost everyone walks around in a trance.

Look around.

See those vacant stares in the Walmart stores?

They park right in the middle of the aile.

People walking around in an daze, oblivious.

It’s the same thing in relationships.

People walking around like zombies.

Reacting to everything.

People have been hypnotized into beliefs about relationships.

Here’s a typical one.

If your parents got divorced, fought a lot, didn’t communicate, you are doomed to repeat a poor relationship.

That’s a load of donkey dump.

If you were abused by your parents, you are likely to abuse your own childen.

More donkey dump.

The only thing that determines whether you end up with a great relationship or great marriage is your mindset and your beliefs.

And after that, whether you can communicate.

You must be able to communicate the right way to have a great relationship.

I had a client I’ll call Carly.

She had been terribly abused by her parents.

Her parents had a horrible, screaming, nasty relationship.

Now she had a terrible relationship.

She was worried she was going to abuse her daughter.

Another therapist told her she was doomed to these things.

She was in a trance.

The trance was produced by the other therapist.

The other therapist poured donkey dump into Carly’s head.

Carly and I had two sessions.

On the first one I shocked her by telling her that her head was full of donkey dump and there was no reason she needed to worry about repeating her “past.”

She had to go home and think about it,

On the next session, she came and said she now felt free to have a great parenting and marriage relationship.

And her husband was relieved to hear this.

Then I told her that she didn’t need any more sessions.

All she needed was this and she didn’t need any more expensive therapy sessions.

This is the answer

http://www.NowYouCanCommunicate.com

To your great relationship,
Dr. Max

“Research shows that ten minutes into an argument 90% of couples can’t even remember what the argument was about” People say “We just can’t communicate, but it cuts more deeply than that…

Free Video Reveals the #1 Secret to Solving Relationship Communication Problems… Click Here

There are few marriages that do not need help in maintaining their relationship. A marriage without a good relationship is probably a marriage that’s not going to last. If it does last, those involved are usually not very happy and content.

You can ask What’s the difference between a marriage and a relationship. A marriage is a bond formed by two people in holy matrimony; and in the eyes of man and the law they are united and only death or divorce can separate them.

A relationship is a meaningful feeling that’s formed after marriage and will continue to grow and deepen as long as the marriage is maintained. Relationships should actually begin long before the wedding vows are given.

It’s easy to tell if your marriage needs relationship help although others may notice it long before you. Tell tell signs include going to functions but going alone and offering excuses for the spouse not attending.

If you are together, you’re constantly criticizing each other and complaining about numerous petty annoyances. Or, it can go to the other extreme and you sit with each other but never talk. No matter what the other does or talks about, it’s boring and uninteresting.

Other signs of a declining relationship might be a dramatic lack of interest in the intimacy department. You’re both young and attractive, yet the spark isn’t there anymore while you fantasize about others.

Affection from your relationship is not enduring. There are no hugs, no kisses and no one says I love you. Human beings need to be touched to feel worthy, happy and satisfied. Touching part is a important ingredient of a successful marriage relationship.

Jealousy can be a turn off for your partner if carried to extremes. For the person who’s jealous he or she may withdraw from being intimate because they may view their partner as being unfaithful. For the person who’s being accused of wrong doing, they could also hide feelings being tired of the constant badgering of jealous questions.

Be sure you’re not magnifying the circumstances while establishing basic rules for both of you to follow. If jealousy is a continuing problem and is growing, you should seek help.If you want to return in your relationship, jealousy has to be stopped.

Relationship problems can arise from debt. Deficiency of enough money in a marriage is usually a reason of concern but two people working together on a budget to live within their means can overcome a small income.

It’s when one or both spend too much money and the marriage begins to drown in debt that the relationship also begins to sink. Debt can literally drain the life blood from a once loving relationship.

All marriages suffer day to day problems in their relationship. Conflicts and disagreements are common and should be expected. Just take a relationship inventory from time to time to determine if you and your spouse are where you want to be. If adjustments are necessary make them and move forward.

Marianne from Minneapolis writes that her boyfriend is finishing graduate school soon, but wants to establish his career before getting married. She thought that they would get married after he graduated, and she now doesn’t know if she should wait for him.

Marianne,
In my book “You Don’t Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage” I point out to couples that to see into the future, they sometimes have to look in the past. He may not want to commit to marriage so soon because his parents got married before they had a chance to establish themselves, or for a hundred other reasons. What is important for you to realize is that you have to accept your boyfriend (and that means his decision) 100%. If you can’t do this before you are married, you may not be able to do it after you are married. It may be hard for you to wait, but rushing him (and making him change his beliefs) could cause him to resent you in the future.

“I don’t know why you are so nice to our friends and so mean to me – you are like a monster at home. Nobody knows how badly you treat me.”

“Well if you treated me better, I’d be nice to you too – everyone seems to like me and think I’m great – except you.”

Uh-oh

Jekyll and Hyde – All Over Again!

It’s Jekyll and Hyde all over again, but right at home in your own marriage – Mr. Hyde at home and Dr. Jekyll in public.

Remember the story? In the book by Robert Louis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll becomes obsessed with the dual nature of humans, the split between good and bad inside of us all.

He experiments and finds a way of letting out his “bad” side in the form of Mr. Hyde, the hidden part of him, since Dr. Jekyll himself was known as a very polite gentleman. In the end, his bad side – Mr. Hyde – takes over and there is just enough of a sense of right and wrong left that he takes his own life.

Sorry if I bummed you out too much there, but seriously, it does feel pretty deadly and toxic when your partner is so completely different – such a nice person in public and such an ogre at home, doesn’t it?

Where Did That Sweetie Go?

It’s confusing when the person you fell in love with, who used to treat you so nicely and thoughtfully, now is acting like you are an annoyance, or someone they don’t even care about anymore – or even like an enemy.

That hurts!

And you’ve tried and tried to bring this up, to talk about it, to find some way of getting along better; you might have even gone to counseling or talked with your pastor or friends, but nothing seems to help.

In fact, it seems to be getting worse; your communication at home is more and more strained and stressful, and it’s affecting every part of your life together. You don’t mean to take it out on your kids, the people at the office or you dog, but you find that you are kind of becoming a monster yourself!
You might have even thought, “I’ll give them back some of their own medicine,” to try to teach them a lesson. You think if your partner really feels how bad it hurts to be treated poorly, he or she can’t help but want to be nicer.

And if you tried that, I know what happened. You just got it back double, didn’t you? It just escalated the negativity between the two of you – just the opposite of what you hoped for.

The “Hydes” In Your Marriage

The main thing about Mr. Hyde in the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is that he springs out of a very civilized, proper, considerate and kind person (Dr. Jekyll) – and he himself (Mr. Hyde) is brutal, hateful, vile and murderous. Mr. Hyde has no regard for others at all.

I suspect that the “Mr. Hyde” you face in your partner – and in yourself – is much less violent and destructive in actual fact – but you (or your partner) may feel just as violated and hurt as if you were actually physically beaten up.

“He-Hyde”

He’s nice as Sunday School when out with other people, but a tyrant at home. Speaks so kindly and warmly with others when you are out, is funny and remembers little niceties about other people they are amazed he remembers. He’s generous and kind – and all your friends think he’s a doll.

It’s like he never says no to anyone else. He’s always agreeable, volunteers to help, is generous to a fault, As a matter of fact, he may even serve on the church vestry, the Toys for Tots Program, Habitat for Humanity, he’s just a model citizen and friend to those in need.

People adore him – and he never lets you forget it.

At home, it’s a whole different “Hyde.”

It’s like his favorite hobby is to make your life miserable. He refuses to communicate important details – and then blames you when something goes wrong because you didn’t know the information. He promises to finish tasks or be responsible, but then “forgets,” and is furious when you point it out, no matter how gently you approach him.

He blows up at you with the slightest hint of criticism or even the mildest, most innocent questions about his behavior. On the other hand, he picks at you constantly – criticizes and corrects your every action or word – and is obsessed with your every fault (“fault” in his eyes, anyway).

You end up feeling like a total loser in his eyes – and never get to be with Dr. Jekyll – the side of him that everyone else is in love with. And why wouldn’t they love that side of him – you fell in love with that side of him too, and keep hoping one day that wonderful man will be at home with you again – but it never seems to happen.

“She-Hyde”

Everybody knows “She-Hyde!” She’s the gal everybody wants to know and everybody cant get enough of.

She’s fun. She laughs easily at your jokes – she make you feel like you are the most interesting person in the world with her – if you are not her spouse.

Somehow she’s managed with your circle of friends to be close and loved by both men and women. Women don’t find her too threatening because she’s so considerate – but on the other hand what man could miss her natural sex appeal. Not that she is soliciting or suggesting an affair, but…

She would never exclude you, no matter who you are. A warm and friendly person, everyone feels welcome in her presence. Her friends always know they can get a big warm hug from her – even men, who sometimes misinterpret her natural affection for a “come on.”

But at home with “She-Hyde,” it’s like someone drained all the blood out of her veins and replaced it with ice water. She looks at you like you are not even there – or like you are some bug she’s about to squash.

She belittles you, nags at you for every deed you did and the ones you didn’t even do. The venom she spews at home could knock a full grown man down worse than a punch. As warm and tolerant as she is with others – she is that far in the other direction with you – like you are the only person in the world not worthy of her attention.

And as far as sex goes – she acts as if you are pure disgust to her – and sex is the worst chore she can imagine doing – if there is even any sex between you!

You’re Not Nuts – But It Can Feel Like it

And the real problem is – that you are alone with this truth about “He-Hyde” or “She-Hyde.” Maybe your closest friends understand – or maybe they are just trying to make you feel better.

Watch them with your spouse – chances area they are just as much under the spell of Hyde as everyone else is, but they are just sparing your feelings by empathizing with your situation – chances are they don’t really believe you.

You can feel pretty crazy when everyone else in the world sees your spouse as Dr. Jekyll – and all you get is Hyde!

Can I Get a Refund?

Look, you didn’t bargain for Hyde, you were buying Jekyll. How did you end up with the bad end of the stick?

Honestly, that’s way too deep to go into. Let’s just start where you are right now and see if something can be done.

Well – maybe – nothing can be done. You could think, like a lot of people, it’s just not worth the aggravation to keep getting “Hyde-ed” all the time with your spouse.

That’s OK. You’re an adult and have the right to make up your mind to do what’s best for you.

But if you feel that the loving wonderful side of your spouse is genuine and there might be a way to get your “Sweetie” back – what can you do then?

Look In The Mirror

You are not going to like this – but maybe the reason they are treating you badly really does have something to do with you. It could be that you are being just as rejecting and mean as your spouse –

If that’s true – and please try to be honest about it – the answer is “cut it out.” Start being nicer in the way your spouse wants. Listen to their complaints about you – there could be some truth in what they say.

Then try things their way for a while. You can always say “no way” later and bail out if you decide to do that.

-Dr. Max

copyright 2009 Dr. Max Vogt All Rights Reserved

Couples get married every day around the world like clockwork. The wedding industry is very big business. Couples get divorced every day as well and the divorce law industry is big business too.

Of all the things a man and woman can decide to do, marriage is perhaps one of the most difficult. Wait a minute! Getting married is easy. It’s a successful and happy marriage that takes skill, wisdom and practice. And the problem is there’s no school for something that requires more knowledge than flying airplanes; and yet we require proof that someone can fly an airplane. Kind of ironic isn’t it?

Almost half the people who decide to get married will find themselves facing a divorce within five years or less according to current statistics. Although these statistics are alarming, it’s good to note that the divorce rate has declined in the last few years or at least remained stable. One reason might be because of the huge cost of divorce. However, also a main reason for this is that many couples have spurned traditional marriage and elected to live together.

Living together, whether married or not, can be one of the best or worst things you’ll ever do. You enter into the sanctity of marriage or a long term relationship with high hopes of a blissful relationship and the dreams of a beautiful home and family. For many this has become true, but many others have found their dreams shattered.

What makes the difference in the success and failure of a marriage? The reasons are as many as they are varied. Studies of patterns of marriage practice such as those of the Myers-Briggs or the Marriage Blueprint ™ method yield a lot of answers. Most successful marriages seem to embrace a few key ingredients.

Both must be committed to a making the relationship work. Commitment is a scary word and many people run from the thought of a serious commitment. It conjures thoughts of a ball and chain, a nagging spouse and mounting bills that wait to be paid. But, if you’re to have growth and accomplishments in a marriage, both must be committed to the same values and goals. Some have taught that you can change a marriage all by yourself but no one really believes that.

You’ve heard it before but you must be able to communicate effectively. Communication of course goes on all the time, it’s a human thing that just can’t be bottled up, but effective communication where your message is sent with skill and received with skill is an art and a science.

Effective communication is so important that it cannot be overemphasized. This means not only talking about the happenings of the day at home and work but also sharing private thoughts and feelings. This is crucial for both husband and wife even if it’s hard to do at first. It will become something both of you look forward to if given the chance.

The big secret that many are discovering is that there are just as many men who are entirely capable of communicating about feelings and relationship as there are women, if the methods and styles of communication are slightly altered so that both can participate. Traditional psychotherapy and counseling emphasize methods that tend to be more friendly culturally to women than men, but some new methods are becoming increasingly friendly to both men and women.

Strive to meet each other’s needs both emotional and physical. You must desire to take care of one another in every way. It should be a pleasure and not a chore. Treat your spouse as a friend as well as a lover and provider. Appreciate, admire and respect each other and you’ll find petty annoyances begin to fade in importance quickly.

Maintain a good balance of leisure, work and pleasure. Set common goals and work toward them. Dream together and strive to make those dreams come true. When a decision has to be made, do it together. Respect each other’s opinion and seek their help and advice, or simply be open to a good talk.

Laugh with your spouse and not at your spouse. Making fun of someone is aggressive and it never sits well with a person over time. Humor can be a very tender and sensitive area. It’s very important but even more important is that you express humor in a way that supports each other rather than taking each other down or causing pain.

A great marriage is one of the greatest gifts of life and worth whatever it takes to achieve. Many times people find that they need some re-education or a new way of thinking about marriage and relationships because their old models just don’t seem to work anymore. That’s where professional help comes in very handy, as long as that help has proven effectiveness and isn’t just another place where people vent old and worn out feelings and thoughts in ways which don’t serve progress in the relationship.

Some friends just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary.

They seem very happy with each other… but who really knows?

Over the years in my practice and in my own personal life I’ve met a lot of people who stayed together in marrige for a long long time.

I’d have to say that these “long-time marrieds” fall into three categories.

1. Those who truly love each other and keep the fire of passion and interest alive. They are together because they truly want to be.

My parents were like that.

2. People who stay together because they think they should, it’s the right thing to do… but are either bored to tears with their marriage relationship or have turned it into something “irrelevant” like a form of hygiene, not particularly pleasant but not so terrible either.

3. People who truly don’t want to be together but are afraid of the consequences of breaking up.

Now I know people admire long marriages and celebrate the number of years like that is an accomplishment.

Personally options 2 and 3 are completely unacceptable to me… although I can see the values behind #2.

Number 3 seems like a dismal life.

Boldness in life is rare.

I say if you are going to be married give it all you have and turn it into a really great thing.

What’s the sense of being married if you don’t truly enjoy it or are miserable?

Convenience?

I think we can do better than that.

I believe in great marriage.

How about you?

To your great relationship future,

Dr. Max

Yes, I have a dream…

I don’t have the eloquence nor the power of delivery of a Martin Luther King but I definitely have the passsion for what I believe in and what it can mean for you… no matter who you are.

My dream is that all people will one day have a chance to have a great marriage and great intimate relationship, since it is the best chance a human being has to TRULY be understood, loved and KNOWN on a deep level by another human being.

No other human relationship has anywhere near that potential. Friends are wonderful, one’s children or parents are a gift, but nowhere in our lives do we have the chance to be so truly and deeply KNOWN by another human being as we do in intimacy and marriage.

If you have never known the true liberation and relief and joy that can come from a deep intimate relationship (I don’t mean puppy love, infatuation, nor even the wild blinding drive of primitive pheromones) you are missing one of the most extraordinary experiences a human being can ever have.

And the amazing thing is that you don’t really have to be some kind of super-human to experience it. You don’t need to be an outstanding athlete, a spiritual guru, wealthy, a genius or highly talented.

It doesn’t matter whether you are young or old, what your color, creed or cultural background is. It’s truly available to you no matter whom you are.

My dream is to make it possible for you to have this deeply and infinitely transforming experience, sooner rather than later.

It is my promise to you to share with you everything I have learned, practiced and developed over the last thirty years so you too can have a chance at this liberating and fulfilling experience of intimacy and true marriage.

–Dr. Max