Your Questions About Christian Marriage Counseling

MarriageCounseling answers:

Two things are important to step back and give your marriage another chance when you’re thinking it might be abusive and that you might want out of it.

First, marriage counseling. It is a truism that the first year of marriage is often the hardest. I also believe that marriage ought to be for life. Every marriage deserves a serious shot at marriage counseling before you give up on it. You can overdo this – I went to at least 7 different marriage counselors over the course of 18 years with my first wife. That was dumb. If someone decides to change and actually forms the intent to change their behavior – say, to stop yelling at you – a psychologist told me there is no reason they can’t do it within 3 months. If you don’t see any change within 3 months of marriage counseling, I think it’s time to get out if change is required to stay in. (Or time to get a better marriage counselor). You can keep a daily log/diary of how it goes to have an objective record, like a lab notebook that forces you to look at the reality of change or lack thereof. I realize the time limit I think is reasonable is arbitrary; the important thing is to give a finite amount of time to put up with abuse in the hope it will stop.

The second thing if you mean it about stepping back is, in my humble opinion, to avoid making a baby. I can tell you from personal experience and, secondhand, through the experience of many many others, that bringing a baby into an abusive marriage can be tragic for the child. If you actually wound up divorcing, a child also makes divorce much more complex and expensive, you can’t get the abusive parent out of your life for the next 20 years, you’re a single parent, and it’s hard on the child as well. I think if you’re stepping back to re-assess things, it’s important to not have one now, not until you’re sure about your marriage. If nothing else, I know from experience that it takes a strong happy marriage to deal with the stresses, emotional, physical and financial, that come with a new baby.

For the third part, since I am not a Christian, I am pasting in a note from a Christian friend who left an abusive marriage after 30 years. I’m not editing it, so… Abbreviations used here that would be understood on the mailing list where this was first posted and wouldn’t be here: BPD=borderline personality disorder, a condition abusers often have; BPDexh = BPD ex-husband; Non= the person without BPD in the relationship, the “non-BPD”. (And Pete = her son):

Christianity and a BPD Relationship

Many Christians face the issue of staying in an abusive marriage or leaving. They don’t know how to follow Christ’s teachings on marriage and divorce when they are abused and don’t know what to do about it. I would like to share my musings on this.

I am a Roman Catholic Christian. For those who are not aware of the ramifications, it means that a civil divorce is not recognized by the Church. It means that a divorced person cannot re-marry in the Church. It means that a divorced person who re-marries is considered to be committing adultery. It also means that marriage is a sacrament, and is held to be one of the most sacred bonds that a person can commit to. It is put into the same category as becoming a priest, because it is a vocation. It makes separation and a civil divorce a very difficult decision to make. It made it very hard for me to deal with leaving the marriage, and it made me think about it a lot.

Christianity as a whole, and the New Testament specifically, validates the inherent preciousness of the individual. We are first and foremost children of God and siblings of Christ, our Brother. We belong to God first, and to our spouse secondly. I received that validation from a priest, and it gave me a lot of joy and strength. I hope it helps you.

St. Paul did say that wives were to be submissive to their husbands. That is an oft quoted passage which was used more than once to keep me subservient to BPDexh. BPDs are very good at extracting the passages out of context to keep their Nons in check. The beginning of that passage talks about everyone being subject to one another. Did our BPDs fulfill that part of the passage? The rest of that passage says that husbands are to treat their wives as they treat themselves, to love them as they love self. Does abuse fall under that criteria? The summation of that entire part is that the husband should love their wife as themselves and the wife respect the husband. It is a two way street. I don’t think that slavery is mentioned, and I don’t think that BPDs, be they husband or wife, ever enter into the spirit of that relationship. It is all one way for them.

We were told to forgive our brother an uncountable number of times. That is not a problem, I forgave BPDexh long ago. He is disordered after all. But that does not mean that God, who loves and cares for me more than any person could, and who has numbered all my hairs, wants me to continue to be abused. It is not consistent with the vision of the loving God that I was taught.

Jesus, when he sent out the apostles to the nearby towns to preach during his time on earth, told them how to treat any town that did not receive them. He told them to leave, and to shake the dust off their sandals as they walked away (Luke 9:5.) I think that dealing with someone who does not receive us as children of God requires us to leave and to shake the dust off our feet (and out of our minds) as we go.

The best advice that I heard from a priest about abuse was from Fr. C, who was described by a friend as the “Saint of the walking wounded.” His advice, proclaimed many times in sermons, was that Jesus wants us to forgive and to turn the other cheek, but He never wanted us to be doormats. We have every right to distance ourselves from a harmful, toxic person.

I want to share something personal, that I still strongly believe. I was fortunate, because I came very close to grave danger in the process of leaving BPDexh. It was necessary to back out slowly, to keep a safe haven for Pete, who was an adult at the time, and who I could not have taken to a shelter. BPD exh suddenly bought a house of his own and moved out. I gladly signed off any interest in the house, and agreed to take on most of the marital debt because that kept him from feeling threatened. I even helped him in the moving process. Eventually, Pete had to come to my rescue to get me out of BPDexh’s clutches ( he would not let me leave his house and go home that last day), but he could still believe that he was abandoning me. I could not believe how well the situation worked out.

The last day we were together, the day that Pete had to come to rescue me, BPDexh and I were at Mass. I was kneeling in prayer, and looking at the crucifix, and a voice came to me. The voice simply said, “My daughter, all this was done this way so you would be safe.” I believe that I was being watched over, and that the financial burden that I took and the problems that it caused me were the lesser of two evils, and that some Divine Intervention nudged BPDexh in a direction that would keep me safe. Whether that voice was a self revelation, or the voice of Christ, I will never know. I do know that I felt peace from that moment on.

In case anyone is wondering, I applied for, and was granted, an annulment of the marriage in the Church. That means that the Church considers that the abusive marriage was not valid from the beginning, that there was not that two way street that is required for the bond to be formed. That has given me a feeling of validation, that my perception of the marriage is correct. I am at peace with my Church.

I hope that all this helps anyone who is wrestling with their Christian faith and the issues that living with a BPD raise. I pray for all on the list, no matter what faith or no matter if you are non-believers. My prayer is for that peace to come to all of you.

MarriageCounseling answers:

I am sorry to hear about the abuse that both of you suffered and I hope you both find healing. Encourage her to continue to wait on the Lord, He is faithful. It is a difficult road, but she will be rewarded for her faithfulness. I do not say this lightly either. I did not have sex until I was 32 and I am not married, if I could go back and take it back I would. I regret the sex I had very much. Not because it wasn’t enjoyable, but because I have broken a trust with God and disobeyed Him. I will never know the fullness of joy I could have had with my future wife (I don’t think I have met her yet) on our wedding night.

I know it is not an easy thing, I struggle to stay faithful now, but it is important to try and not place such high level of importance on the pleasure aspect of sex alone as the high point in life. Sex is so much more than the act itself. It truly shows the expression and fullness of love between a husband and wife and the actually glorifies God, because sex was created by God! I wish that I could say to my future wife that “You are so special to me and I love you so much, that I waited for you”, but regretably, I can not truly say that. I hope and pray that your friend will be able to say that in all honesty.

MarriageCounseling answers:

I completely agree. Honestly, any job lucky enough to find a good spiritual woman will help the world, no matter what it is. Nowadays, women do not have much choice to work. We are expected to be proficient in the household but have an income as well. Just be sure to promise yourself to stick with your beliefs and morals when you are out there in the real, working world.. Because unfortunately it is not always pretty.

MarriageCounseling answers:

I think everyone else has pretty much said what i am about to say. God hates divorce, yes. But..He also gave us two ways that He will tolerate it. One is an unbeliever who chooses to leave, two is an unfaithful spouse. I think your friend has done what she can to try and remedy her situation. Now it’s up to God to take care of things. No one should have to endure that. For the sake of hers and her children’s self esteem the woman has every right to leave.

I hope it all works out for her, she’s in my prayers.