Betty asks…
Why did my husbnad change after marriage?
He is ten years older than me. He comes from a broken family (his father left his mum when he was four and he doesn’t even know where he is). I come from a close-knit, christian family. We have opposite backgrounds. He was married for fifteen years and has two children from that. We started dating about a year after his divorce. We dated for a 1 1/2 years before tying the knot. We’ve been married two years. You’d think you would know someone after a year and a halfof dating, right? Not me. As soon as that ring went on the finger, he did a complete “about face”. Some examples? Before we were married he loved my dog, he left me love notes, he danced with me to no music in the kitchen, he told me he loves me 100 times a day, he got me flowers every month, he cried “happy tears” at least once a day, he was open-minded spiritually, he couldn’t keep his hands off me, and… well he just adored ME as a person. I know you’re thinking, “that’s normal. Everyone goes through that butterflies-in-stomach phase and then it wears off.” This is different. I know what reality is, but he is a completely different person! He is unemotional, uncaring, insensitive, and a workaholic. He hates my dog and yells at her, he won’t dance, won’t get me flowers, and won’t be romantic. Sometimes I wonder if he has had to deal with rejection so much in his life that it’s almost like he is expecting me to reject him, so he pushes me as far as he can to see if I’ll stay. He hasn’t shed one tear since our wedding day. Honestly, if he had been this guy when we dated, I wouldn’t have married him. When I try to talk to him, he yells. When I suggest counseling, he says “I tried that and it doesn’t work” to which I reply, “that wasn’t with me, that was with your ex”, and then he yells. Tonight I asked him why he was acting antsy and he yelled. He doesn’t communicate. I can’t help but love him though. He is my husband and I just keep hanging on to what he used to be. I just want to know who the real guy is. I sure liked the old one better. Does anyone out there have any ideas of what this means? I’ve even thought it might be the fact that this is my first marriage, but this is his second, so he’s already getting into that routine thing. I’m still a newlywed!!! I’m just trying to figure this out.
I’m really sorry my question is so long! Thank you for taking the time to read it!
MarriageCounseling answers:
-When he yells, in a calm voice tell him that you love him, and that you don’t mean to upset him.
-To talk to him about the issues, you need to catch him in a good mood. Make him his favorite dinner (or something), and then give him a shoulder massage (or something), and ask him how he’s feeling. Once he’s relaxed, you need to approach the issues in a completely non-abrasive manner. “Sweetheart, you know I love you so much. I care about you more than anything. And it seems like here lately, you’ve been really unhappy. Is there anything I can help you with?” is a good start. It’s vital that you let him know that you two are a team and that you want him to be as happy as possible…He shouldn’t get mad at this. If he gets mad, then it’s apparent that you aren’t going to get anywhere with this approach…But if he stays calm, then express your concern in a sweet way, and don’t ever accuse him of anything.
-*IF THE FIRST APPROACH FAILS* On a new night, you need to have a serious talk and let him know that you are not happy with his behavior. It’s not fair to you anymore. You tried to be nice about it, and he wouldn’t accept your kindness. Tell him that the anger is unacceptable, and the yelling is going to stop now. He may be your husband, but he does NOT have the right to yell at you–It’s a step away from domestic abuse. You do not need to accept the yelling anymore. So he needs to find a new way to communicate. If he still yells, then you need to demand counseling. If he loves you, he will oblige, albeit unhappily. But you still need to let him know that you love him. If he doesn’t want to go, tell him that you are unhappy with the way the marriage is going and you simply want to repair it. And set up an appointment.
Hope I helped. Good luck.
Daniel asks…
military counselors on marriage counseling: will they tell us to divorce?
I suppose I have a pretty negative view of the military and feel that from what I have seen and experienced, they only care about the well being of the soldier and if there are problems with the wife, they would instruct them to divorce. Am I wrong in thinking this? We have been having marriage problems ever since we got to our first duty station. we don’t get along anymore, have nothing in common, and I don’t even trust my husband anymore. will they try to keep us together or will they think we are worse off together and tell me in a nice way that I should leave?
I am christian and don’t believe in divorcing, but I just think it’s gonna really upset me if I’m right and they just tell us to divorce since it’s not working out and I will hate the army even more. I feel like the army has ruined my marriage.
yea, he wasn’t issued a wife!
I was his wife way before the military came into the picture! we had been married 3 years and already had both our children before he joined.
my husband wants to work things out, it’s just that we don’t get along anymore so it makes it pretty impossible.
that’s why we are seeking counseling, but also why I think they will just tell us to give up.
rockit:
our relationship was solid before the military. like I said, we had been married already 3 years before he even thought about joining and we were like peas and carrots. inseperable. people were jealous of us type of relationship.
we cant do retreats because of the kids. no where to take them while we are gone. I know they do dinners, that we could do, but when we decided we were gonna do that, they stopped having them for some reason.
Tricia:
you are right, we don’t have major problems like cheating or anything like that. we just aren’t getting along, we tend to avoid each other because of it.
thank you for letting me know about the programs. I always see them advertised with no details and always wish we could go but they never say they will provide childcare. I will look into that.
he has been in the army now long enough that he “tolerates” his job but he sort of has a love/hate relationship with the military. one day he says he hates it and wants to go back home, and the next hes bragging about being a soldier
its really hard on me the wishy washiness of his attitude towards it.
and I have tried to be happy in my own right and supportive but I think it makes him jealous to see me happy when he isn’t. it’s like he wants me to be unhappy with him.
I have found my own things to enjoy for myself here. I got myself an enjoyable job, I have a few friends.
this is the first time for him though being so far from his family. I’ve traveled before so it wasn’t much of an issue for me and my family is scattered anyhow. at the same time, he wants to go back to what he calls “home” with his parents, but his parents divorced while he was in basic training, his father is in prison, so in some way he feels he doesn’t have anything to go back to. I think there are issues there he’s having trouble dealing with that he doesn’t talk about and I’m trying to understand. it’s hard. and he never really considered me and the kids “family” until his family sort of fell apart. He says I’m all he has left.
MarriageCounseling answers:
The military can’t order you to divorce. If a counselor suggests it they can’t enforce it and it’s just a suggestion that you don’t have to listen too. I don’t believe in divorce either. So you’re either going to be miserable in your marriage or you both better start working on things. Even if you just start trying to make things better or just talk together about one issue at a time, you can slowly work towards making your marriage better. Marriage is ALWAYS difficult. It’s hard to share your life with someone in marriage. It can be completely worth it or you can be miserable like you seem to be. The army may put strain on your marriage but that doesn’t mean it would be all roses if he wasn’t in the military. Work with what you have to make your marriage better.
Still, the Army is just one thing in your life that has become an obstacle. If your marriage was solid before then look at how the military has changed your life and talk about ways you can work together to strengthen your relationship. Just because you start your marriage strong doesn’t mean that it’s not going to go through some rough spots. How you make it through those tough times can determine your future together. The military may have made marriage harder but it doesn’t have to ruin it if you focus on making it work and getting through this tough time. My comments are my advice whether or not you’re newly weds. Just because you were “peas and carrots” before doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be that way. Just find ways to work through it if you’re committed.
William asks…
Is 6 months so soon to be talking about marriage with girlfriend who I love so much?
I was married for 17yrs to an amazing inside and out beautiful woman and we have one great 15yr old son. I was totally faithful but verbally abusive to her the last 5 years of marriage because of her appearance and affection toward me. I will always be saddened by how disrespectful, demeaning, ungrateful, in-mature in how I treated her! I have dated several women with no intimacy and have been blessed by God to have met the most beautiful, loving and caring woman! She was married for 19 years and divorced, 2 great kids out of the house and one really great 16yr old girl at home. We live almost an hour apart but have been inseparable for six months and very comfortable with each side of our families. I have been told by so many people and my girlfriend that I know how to treat a woman and trust me you get more in return. She has snapping / anger problems toward her family or who she loves the most which I take the brunt of it. How ironic that I was like that to my ex wife and it has come full circle. I am also a jealous and insecure guy (which I’ve never been) because I truly love her and am afraid I will loose her someday. I have also started personal counseling to better myself as a man along with her and I want to see a christian counselor about our future and relationship. We both really love each other deeply and have so much fun together and are so excited to spend time together! Does this sound like a healthy future?
MarriageCounseling answers:
King James Version Bible
Genesis Chapter 2
18. And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Ecclesiastes Chapter 4
9. Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
10. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.
11. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm [alone]?
12. And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
1 Corinthians Chapter 7
6. But I speak this by permission, [and] not of commandment.
1. Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman.
2. Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
7. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
32. But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
33. But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please [his] wife.
34. There is difference [also] between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please [her] husband.
35. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
36. But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of [her] age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.
37. Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.
38. So then he that giveth [her] in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth [her] not in marriage doeth better.
8. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
9. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: For it is better to marry than to burn.
Matthew Chapter 5
28. But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Galatians Chapter 5
19. Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are [these]; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20. Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21. Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told [you] in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
John Chapter 14
15. If ye love me, keep my commandments.
16. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
My understanding:
If a person doesn’t lust after the opposite sex like a craven fiend and want to devote their selves completely to Jesus Christ then that person has more spiritually quality & strength then most.
Also in understanding the many human issues of being alone: Imagine living alone and you fall down the stairs at night unable to move but only speak or suffering from an asthma attack?
If that person doesn’t have a problem with either one of those issues, than Godspeed stay single. That person will always find comfort in the Redeemer.
2 Samuel Chapter 22
3. The God of my rock; in him will I trust: [he is] my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.
31. [As for] God, his way [is] perfect; the word of the LORD [is] tried: he [is] a buckler to all them that trust in him.
John Chapter 10
23. And Jesus walked in the temple in Solomon’s porch.
30. I and [my] Father are one.
But if you can’t help but to fornicate, be apart of adultery, and lust like a sex fiend then this will be the result….
Revelation Chapter 21
8. But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
Matthew Chapter 13
41. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity;
42. And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Maria asks…
My marriage is failing, what should I do, continued?
I have read all of your responses, and the majority of them are great and very encouraging. Nonetheless, some of you may need to keep your comments to yourself. Here is the continuation of the marriage fiasco. I do cook, clean, take care of the kids, have Worship with them daily before school and before bed. I have let them know that they can come to me with anything on their minds. I have always tried to maintain a “loving, GOD-fearing” family environment. As much as I try to talk to my wife, she simply refuses. I know that the job thing will help, but I think it is really shallow to use that as an excuse to say that I am not doing my part as a “man”. My whole manhood is based on some materialistic comparison. I understand the financial sucurity that women seek, but from what understand about marriage, there will be “good, bad, rich, and poor times. Now my faith is in doubt. I am willing to go to counseling. Are there any christians out there that can help me to keep the faith?
MarriageCounseling answers:
I am assuming this is your covenant spouse? If so, regardless of what any divorce papers say, you are married for life in God’s eyes. You need to learn to stand for your marriage and for your wife’s salvation. Check out these links below to help you keep faith.
Please check out Bob and Charlyne Steinkamp. They have a restored marriage after being divorced for about two years. They have a website and send devotionals everyday encouraging men and women to stand for their marriage and their spouse’s salvation. Check out their archives.
Https://rejoiceministries.org/devotion.php
I highly recommend that you sign up for Doreen’s Devotionals called Doreen’s Daily Delights.. These are awesome. Http://marriagerestorationministries.org/
Here’s another website for people standing for their marriages. They have a men’s forum where you can talk to other men standing for their marriages. There is chat every Friday night. Http://www.faithandmarriage.com/
Check this one out as well…. Http://www.godsavemymarriage.com/
Check out Jimmy and Karen Evans. They have a weekly tv show that discusses marriage. Their shows are on the internet that you can watch. Jimmy is excellent. Jimmy gives very practical guides on how to have a successful marriage. Http://www.marriagetoday.org/
Also check out this link concerning divorce and remarriage. I think you will be surprised. Many churches are blinded to the truth and even encourage people to divorce. Satan is tearing the church and marriages apart.
Http://www.biblicalresearchreports.com/divorceandremarriage.php#hatedivorce
Good luck and God Bless!
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