Your Questions About Marriage And Family Counseling Programs

A question for counselors and psychologists: how to cope with people who want to complain and use you?

I am an undergraduate student at a University who plans to apply to a graduate program for a Master’s in Counseling, specializing in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Right now I am coping with a girl who is in my major who I feel is taking advantage of me. She wants to get together to study, then talks on her phone, complains that the class is too hard and just doesn’t contribute that much. She also constantly complains about her life situations and doesn’t seem to really want to do anything to change them. For example she pretty much had to quit her job to go back to school and has been denied unemployment. She was dissapointed and upset that her partner of 8 years would not financially support her. I told her I understood, however he had made it clear every step of the way that he does not want to financially support her through school. Suggestions such as GET A JOB (she has been offered nanny and babysitting jobs, but doesn’t want to take them because she wants to spend time with her boyfriend. Ummm??? Huh??) and take out a student loan have been made, but it sounds like she really just wants unemployment, to which she has been denied twice.

My question is, have others in the mental health field felt guilty that they don’t want to listen to people that aren’t their friends or loved ones complain about the same problems over and over? If so, how do you cope? I guess I have been feeling that as a person interested in mental health, I should care more, but I don’t. I don’t want to be friends with this girl, I feel she uses myself and others to help her when she doesn’t do the school work and on top of that, her personality really iritates me and she talks down to me. Not a healhty person for me to be friends with.

But what about a compassion oriented obligation? Is this part of the deal when you go into mental health, that you have to be compassionate and understanding even when a person is not good for you? Or am I just having problems because I didn’t learn to set boundaries when I was younger and was taught that it’s bad to have boundaries and am just now learning to set them as an adult?

Where do I begin with my family?

It’s like from the start my parents never were really there on an emotional level. As a child I was bullied in elementary school. Every time I told my mom about it all she said was that it was because I was acting silly at school. I wasn’t. My parents have had their share of issues in their marriage for as long as I can remember. I found out two years ago from a relative that my dad didn’t want children to start with. They’ve always been fighting either about money, the hatred my dad’s family has for my mom or about the recent affair my dad had with another woman. Sometimes their fights will get physical and I can hear them all the way from another part of the house. If their fighting with me within earshot I’ll start crying. My dad denies that he’s hit my mom before. I’ve seen him hit her and get all up in her face before. He’s even scratched her hard on her face. The thing that I don’t understand is how he could have such an anger problem and be in total denial about it. Isn’t this the kind of behaviour that you’d expect to see from someone who always on drugs or alcohol? Two years ago we had a party for my mom’s 50th birthday. My dad demanded that my mom do all the cooking and cleaning for that day. For the party, he put on a big show saying how he loved her in front of all the guests. Sometimes because of the affair I want them to divorce but I know that if they do, what’s going to happen to me, my brother and my sister? The only reason why they aren’t divorced is because they have money problems. Their problems have led us to seek counselling as a family and individually with no results. I nearly committed suicide on my mom’s 50th birthday because I wanted everyone to see what her parenting and emotional coldness did to me. Even though I’m in my early 20s, they’ve become very overprotective of me. Their always saying that I can only date boys that are Christians (my parents don’t even walk the walk and talk the talk of a Christian) and that I have to be home at a certain time and a whole bunch of bull that I won’t get into. My dad says as long I’m in their house I abide by their rules. It’s not like we ever had any set of rules at home anyway. They even hate my friends that they’ve never met, which is why I don’t ever invite friends over. Their 25th anniversary is coming up in February and they’ll be throwing a big celebration. It’s going to be a big show again for my parents to say they love each other when really they treat each other like crap when no one else is around. I keep asking my mom why is it that she’s still with my dad and why she wants to renew their vows. All she says is that she forgives him for he’s done to her. 5 years ago my mom said that she didn’t want to have any type of celebration for their 25th anniversary because of my dad’s affair and she said herself that it would be a show. I’ve made it known to my parents that I want no part in their anniversary celebrations. I already have told them that I’m no longer part of this family. I’m currently studying in a college diploma program to be a community worker. I also have a previous credential in child care. After I get my college diploma I’m going to start studying music and acting. My parents don’t want me to. They told me the same thing when I had orignally wanted to study the arts straight out of high school.
I can’t stand them, I don’t love them. It’s because of them I’ve developed a temper myself, which my dad forbids me from expressing. How do I deal with them day to day until I move out of here?
I’m going to cut them out of my life for good when I move out and get married and stuff.

Can my Marriage be saved?

I was abusive to my wife and kids. She moved out with them. She says she loves me but is tired of walking in fear. I feel like dirt when I do it and all and I it hurts real bad. We are churchgoers and everytime I wanted counseling I either had to wait a long period of time or it never happened, but I love my church and stayed. I know I need help and am seeking help in this area because I am wanting to change for myself, wife and kids. I am moving to Georgia so she can have her space and also I can be with my father and go to counseling at his church as well as other facilities that offer these programs for guys like me. I don’t want to lose my family what should I do?

What can I do to save my marriage?

I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. In this the time frame since I have known him, we had two children and I have one older child from a previous relationship. We fought a lot in the beginning and eventually got much better and barely fought at all (after much marital counseling).
One of my problems are that he treats our children (my oldest son knows him as daddy because my previous partner (sperm donor) has absolutely nothing to do with my son and my son was young when my husband and I got together) with very little respect. He says mean things to them and unfortunately I catch myself being like that sometimes too. I love all my children so much and I hate the idea that I might hurt their feelings sometimes. I always apologize and try my best to work out the problem with them.
Another one of my problems are that I have suffered depression and physical abuse much of my life when I was younger and my doctors are having difficulty finding the correct medicine to help me out. I often have anxiety attacks and suffer insomnia. I have not been working since my husband and I found out about my pregnancy with my second child. Because I have not been working, I needed something to keep me busy and went back to school to hopefully be able to obtain a better job when we are ready for me to go back to work. (we planned right away that I would be home with the kids until they start school so we would not have to put them through daycare) Now I am working on the second half of my degree and will finish with an associates degree and three certificates by the end of this school year.
My husband finds ways to make me feel like I am pretty much worthless when I need to study for tests or do homework because that does not bring money into the house. He is the one who actually suggested that I go back to school because he knew that what I went to school for before I met him did not work out. ( I was working at a hospital and could not stand dealing with death at all)
Now we are fighting more often and most of the times, I am not sure what it is about. He works the weekend shift and I bring him his lunch everyday with the kids so he can see them and so he can have a hot meal everyday that he works. I am trying my best to juggle everything on my plate. I even had the kids respecting the 1-2-3 magic program over summer, but he did not follow up with it so now when I have the kids alone on the weekends, they have absolutely no respect for anything that I say so I am working with them on that again too.
I just do not know if this marriage is even worth the fight anymore. I love him very much and would never want my children to have to live with a broken family but sometimes it seems like it might be better than what they do deal with. I was hoping to at least be able to find a medication that will help me with my depression and anxiety and maybe that would amke things better but I cant help but to feel that the problem is not just me. I need any help or input I can get. I am desperate and really do not want a divorce but I also know that we can not afford anymore counseling again like we probably should have. Please help!
JoJo, I know how divorce works. I have never personally been through one, but I know of enough people who have gone through it. My point of this question was basically what can I do to avoid a divorce, not should I get one. I have a bachelors degree already and enough education to easily get a job… if I drop out of the new field I am trying to enter through education, I can not do both based on my schedules.(Besides taking care of people day in and day out and watching them die was not something that I could emotionally handle and that is why I went back to school) Before I met my husband, I was only 20 when I had my first child, and still finished school, and was able to buy a house (the one we are all currently living in) off of just my income while paying for daycare. I know that when I go back to work, money will not be an issue. The only reason it is now is because of the additional costs of schooling, the cost of three children, and every other necessity. I did have enough mon