Your Questions About Christian Marriage Counseling

MarriageCounseling answers:

Hi Devin,

I’m a born again believer as well and have been for many years.

I’m going to shoot straight with you here. No, you cannot leave her just because of her past & what you term health/mental reasons. We all have our issues and you did vow to love her in sickness and in health. The only liberty that Jesus gives us for leaving a marriage is adultery and I know you already know this.

You are romanticizing your previous relationship with your exgirlfriend to escape what you are going through now. From what you described of that, that wasn’t ideal either but when things go bad for us we have a tendancy to look at the past through rose coloured glasses and only see the positives & not the negatives.

You are committing adultery in your heart by even entertaining thoughts of your previous girlfriend & Satan is using this to try to get you to justify leaving your marriage. Reread what you wrote & you’ll see this. It’s probably your guilty conscience that is causing you to have your anxiety attacks & lack of sleep – because you know deep in your heart what you’re doing is wrong.

You need to ask for forgiveness for lusting after your previous partner and truly repent, don’t just go through the motions.

Perhaps part of the reason she is acting so possessive is that she can tell that you’re not really with her fully in the relationship. You need to ask for her forgiveness for thinking about your ex. I also believe you both need to do is to go to counseling, probably both together and alone so you can both learn the skills to deal with yourselves and each other. You clearly wear your heart on your sleeve and are ruled by your emotions, you need to get that under control so you make wise decisions in the future that aren’t fully emotionally based.

I will pray for you both, that God will use this situation for His glory and that you both will reunite together and be a strong force for His Kingdom.

God Bless….

MarriageCounseling answers:

I understand what you are trying to do and I understand why and how your fiance is trying to help you to do it. I commend you for all of these positive changes you are making in your life and for becoming a Christian. You are on the right track. Stick with this new path. Your fiance sounds wonderful.

You could watch how masculine men act and speak and carry themselves and then just work on developing new mannerisms and habits based on that. It may take some time and effort, but is well worth it. Men are meant to be like men, women are meant to be like women.

Ask God for help on the “masculine activities” and on how to act more masculine. Talk to Jesus and listen to his advice to you on it. Gradually, using prayer, you will begin to find ways to make this change in yourself and in your activities. Insights and ideas on how to do it will come to you. You will meet people who can help you to do this. You may find some books or tv shows on this subject that will help you with it.

Also, I want to comment that this idea she has about “masculine activities” seems a bit off to me. I think any activity can be masculine or feminine. Some women like sports and watching sports, so I wouldn’t consider that activity as entirely masculine, even though men still tend to watch sports more than women do. I think it’s more important to focus on your feminine qualities, giggling, ways you walk and talk, stuff like that, which makes you appear more like a woman than a man. I don’t exactly know how one would define “masculine activities.”

Ask your girlfriend to specify for you what she considers to be “masculine activities” as opposed to feminine activities. If I don’t know, you can’t know, since I’m a woman (I’m 57 years old).

People who believe only in heterosexuality are simply going by what God recommends in the Bible. They want to follow God’s laws, which always help people and never hurt people. God did not intend for people to be homosexual, and this is unnatural.

MarriageCounseling answers:

Well, the problems I see here are 1) you have a personal problem with excessive and inappropriate guilt, and 2) you don’t trust each other. Note that you can’t have a relationship without trust.

Getting divorced isn’t going to solve your guilt complex. It might make it worse. I can’t say whether or not divorce is a good decision, but realize that divorce is an ejection seat, it is not a cure for personal problems. Don’t be surprised if the very same problems crop up in your next relationship.

(I’m in no position to judge this, as I only have the barest minimum of facts, but here goes…) It sounds like you’ve never really *tried* to develop a real, meaningful relationship with your wife. What I mean is, you’ve been so focused on your own guilt, regrets, doubts, and poor self image, you were unwilling to open up to her, to really develop unconditional love and trust for her. This takes time, and remember that people make mistakes. I know that the bible talk a lot about forgiveness, and forgiving others. I think forgiving *yourself* in this case is just as important.

It shouldn’t be surprising that your sex life is almost nonexistent. Considering the fact that even *talking* to your wife seem to trigger your need to feel sorry for yourself, to say nothing of actually showing her affection and appreciation. I would say you need to lighten up and not take yourself quite so seriously. If you can sit together with your wife, and hold her hand, and not worry about the past or where things are going…..I’d say that that’s a good first step. You obviously care about her and what she’s feeling, or else you won’t be so hard on yourself.

My advice is, instead of worrying about yesterday’s mistakes, work on repairing *today’s* problems! Once you’ve tried that, THEN consider divorce.

Secondly, if you don’t want “christian” counseling that’s fine, then don’t talk to your pastor or minister simple as that.

See a licensed professional counselor instead. Most counselors, who take their job seriously, will never try to “guilt” you into making a decision one way or the other. It may surprise you that the job of a counselor is not, primarily, to give advice. Their job is primarily to ask questions, try to help you get to the root of your problems, and ask you how you feel you want to deal with those problems. In other words, encourage you to be more self-honest about your needs and feelings.

Good luck,
~WOMBAT

MarriageCounseling answers:

It was wrong of her to have an affair. Period. Now that we’ve cleared that up, lets stop focusing on the past, and look to what you can do to make thing work.

It seems like she feels unloved. The whole point of her affair might have been the lack of attention and care she had been recieving from you, and she started to look for it in other people. Lack of love and attention often leads women to make bad decions. Strippers, prostitutes, and pregnant teenagers often have never recieved the love they deserve. While it was not an excuse for your wives affair, it is an explanation behind it.

As a Christian man, you need to approach this with love and forgiveness. You obviously cannot love her behavior, but you need to love her. Things are not going to change if you don’t show her you love her.

Now this is going to sound far-fetched, but this is something that you should do. Spoil her. Spend more time with her than ever before. Do things you would never do for her. I know this sounds crazy, and that you feel like you are almost treating her bad behavior, but you said so yourself that the lack of love was the source of this problem…. Her wallowing in guilt is not going to do any good for either of you.

Love her unconditionally. A husband should love his wife despite her mistakes. If you show her that you truly love her even though she made some mistakes, you have no idea how that far can go with a woman.

While it might not be easy, it will be worth it in the long run. The bible describes the husband as the one who gives up everything for his family, including his wife. Who takes on the punishments for his wifes mistakes, and loves her as much as he loves his own body.

Her affair came around as a result of being unloved. How do you think things will change in her behavior if you show her more love than she can handle? A woman is built to react to love… If you show her unconditional love, she will show love back, thats how a woman works.

Be patient, but if you work really hard you will start to have a more open relationship with her. You will be able to communicate your feelings with eachother better. You can tell her what the affair meant to you, and tell her things that you wish she would do for you.