Your Questions About Marriage Counseling Does It Work 2010

Almost Divorced, seeing someone else for some time now- but confused as to if I should go back to my Husband?

A Little Background:

My soon to be ex husband and I started dating in mid 2009. Everything was wonderful at first, like it always is in the first 3 months of dating- and then with the stresses of life, love, and some rather large unfortunate hiccups (that were the economies fault)- he started to become very distant, numb, uncommunicative, and just devoid of emotion, physical desire, etc- entirely. I tried numerous times to fix the situation, to no avail. Well, about a month or so after ending the relationship- after much discussion- we decided to start dating again.
Everything for the next year thereafter was wonderful. He was a wonderful provider, wonderful father to my son (we were even in the process of getting a step parent adoption started), and I was simply engulfed and enthralled by the new man I was seeing him as- and always believed existed.

Now- he is in the National Guard, and had a state-side deployment approaching. He decided to propose. We had at first said that we were going to elope, and then have an actual ceremony after he returned. I figured since (before all that transpired) we didn’t believe in divorce, that we should have a proper wedding, small- but proper.
We were married early November 2010. He deployed state-side late November 2010.
By January of 2011, my marriage had fallen to pieces. He became that man that I had broken up with the first time. Very cold, uncommunicative unless it was about bills, or our son, or if I was holding it together long enough to take care of our son and pay bills.
But, no general concern for me- or at least that is how I felt. It seemed like, in the time that I needed him emotionally the most (because I couldn’t have him physically) he was nowhere to be found.
Now, this deployment was not like what you hear about on the news- where men can’t speak to their families for days or weeks on end because they are being shot at. This is the kind of the deployment where men live in nice, cushy apartments, have complete cell phone signal, go to the mall, and do pretty much WHATEVER they want, whenever they want, and only work 3 hours a day. The families just can’t join.
So anyhow- when I needed him the most emotionally it seemed like he was just NOT there. I tried and tried and tried to tell him that I was a mess (was almost hospitalized for depression because I didn’t know how to deal)- and that we needed to remedy it before it got WAY out of hand- and every suggestion I presented- he refused to do. So, I of course started talking to some old friends, men and women- and he chose to pick one guy that he had been fine with previously, and wanted to fight incessantly about me talking to him. I refused to cut off communication, because it was the only thing at the time keeping me sane.

Long story short: I said I wanted a divorce, because I was seeing a pattern in the way my husband seems to want to handle things such as stress, etc. Shutting down entirely. Seeing as I am a rather affectionate, needy person- this doesn’t work for me (and please, don’t take all of this as there is nothing good about my soon to be ex…there IS, or I wouldn’t have married him. He has many respectable qualities, and did many, many good things for me- BUT….)
When the you-know-what hit the fan- THEN he wanted to go to counseling, THEN he wanted to “fix” everything. And still does.
I have now been seeing someone for the last 6-7 months. The man I have in my life now never waivers, never explodes, never shuts down. He provides what is needed and more, and is very loving, very affectionate, etc etc.
The only problem is- is that after much discussion with my soon to-be-ex……I am confused. Everything my husband says is SOOO appealing, and does make sense, and makes me start to wonder if it WAS my fault- and I just wasn’t seeing all that he WAS giving?
I still have an insane amount of love for the man. Not in love, because that take work- but have love. The same goes for the man I am with now- sort of. It is hard for me to say I am “In Love” with him- as I still have feelings for my soon to be ex. But, for all intents and purposes, I am in love with my now boyfriend. (I feel like a hussy even going back and forth about this- and never believe even in a divorce that you should be with someone else…….)
I am just SO confused. Do I go back to my husband, go through all of counseling, and work, and possible Earth shattering heartbreak? Or- do I stay with the man I am with, who has never done anything to prove my thoughts on him wrong, and just chalk up my marriage to irreconcilable differences, and cut my losses??
If none of that made sense, I am sorry. I just need some help with this. I don’t want to EVER hurt the man I am with now- but there is such a HUGE part of me that still wants to be with my husband.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!
My intent was never to jump into another relationship- it just….kind of happened. #2 has told me that he loves me, and never wants to to lose me, and in fact is wanting to discuss marriage with me….but that I need to do what makes me happy, because not doing that is not good for anyone. #1 Also talks about our marriage- and how it may not have been perfect, but we did take the vows, we did make a promise, and reminds me how we said “the only thing we can’t overcome is beating and cheating.” Which has always been something true, and sacred to me. But, I am terrified that I will either A) Go back to my husband, and nothing will be different, and I will be in a loveless marriage- and have lost someone who has always been good to me. OR B) I will stay with my current, and have lost out on what would have been an amazing marriage with some work, and some change.
Because, my husband and I meshed well on many, many levels- he is just a LOT less needy than I am….and unfortunately we are

Should I stay or leave her?

Mid 09 I met this woman at work; we worked for the same company but different locations. I had just divorced after 8 years of marriage she had been married two times and had a child by each marriage and had not dated in two years since her last divorce. She quickly introduced me to her kids a girl then 10 and a boy then 5; we hit it off from the start.

I went to her son’s baseball game and she said I need to tell you, she “I was not telling the truth about dating anyone, I have just ended a two year affair with a co-worker, but there is no contact anymore.” I told her I would call her later and we talked it over and agreed to continue.

Going forward two weeks I was working on her computer I found old emails, phone records, pictures etc…Both phone and email showed she had not stopped talking with him, I confronted her and she said how sorry she was it would never happen again, she wrote an email telling him to leave her alone it’s over.

Going forward a week she called and said she had an affair on her first husband got pregnant with her daughter, her ex agreed to be known as her father and the girl does not know this. I told her to level with me, she told me her life’s history, she started dating in college at 19, got pregnant and her mother made the abort the child, then had another relationship got pregnant and had another abortion. Then met my her first husband, dated 6 months got married then had an affair and got pregnant with her daughter and got a divorce and he pays child support. Had another relationship and got pregnant and had another abortion, then met her second husband, got pregnant and had her son, got a divorce and started having an affair with the co-worker.

Jan 2010 she had to have a major operation on her leg. I took off work about a hundred hours done everything for her. She started getting stressed with the operation, her messy house, her first husband not paying child support, second husband not paying child support, this time was very stressful for both of us.

Going forward we had some good times and bad times in 2010, then July she was walking, she said “I need space” then said “I wish you would not have taken care of me” “I wish you would have never met my kids” “You make me feel worthless because you do everything” “I’m not sure about us” “I’m not sure about being in a committed relationship and not sure I ever will.”

She called a few times tell me about the kids and be a smart butt, this went on until Sept 10th she sent a text saying “It’s Over” then October she texted me and said “Do you think we can ever be together again” I called her and said yes but we have got to get some help and put some things on the table.
October 15th she called and later I called her and got nothing, I drove to her house and found the co-worker at her house, I rang her door bell and she comes to the door I know what she just got finished doing, and she said “What are you doing” I said “Question is what are you doing, from the looks of it I can tell what you just got finished doing” I drive back over at 5: AM he stayed all night. I called his wife and told her where she could find her husband, she knew about the affair, but thought it was over. I get an email the next day from her saying how wrong I was for disrupting two families that way and I was never to call her or talk to her again or even come to her house, I never send a reply.

November 2010 she called wanting to make another run at it, I laid out the ground work for how it had to be done. She must send a no-contact letter to this co-worker and his wife, and she did. We had to go to counseling and we did.

January 2011 – I found an email account she had created and read the emails she was sending to this co-worker saying how much she loved him, how screwed up she had been, let her change, and wanted to know what they were going to do. I sent all those emails to this mans wife. After this she said I was a coward for doing that, it was not what I thought it was. I said you either sh*t of get off the pot and she said she would make it right this time and how sorry she was and this time was for real, she gave me all her passwords to phones, emails you name it. Now she is acting funny again, I have from time to time checked her accounts and nothing, but since she’s acting strange again I checked her accounts and the passwords are now changed, I asked her “Why, and what are they, that was part of us rebuilding a trust, you said your life was an open book now.” And she said “It’s not any of my business, and I’m not going to live like that thinking you are looking over my shoulders.” I said have it your way drove down got all my things and left out. I have not heard from her now in two days and have not seen her in five days.

Should I move on and let her go, I have done all I can, I think she does love me but scared to death, and other times I feel used and nothing more than a holding spot until she runs again.

When will I move on after this divorce?

Me and my wife are divorcing. After 1 year of marriage and 6 months of dating before that. I have tried to get her back but it‘s inevitable. I was verbally abusive and never there for her emotionally. I never felt “in love” with her except for maybe a few months.

She spent a lot of my money and she claims we were never friends for each other. We had MANY MANY differences, music, movies, interests, beliefs. It was miserable for her and me the past few months and I offered counseling but she insists divorcing.

I wanna be her friend again soon but not too soon, I wanna get over her because I know it‘s what she really wants. How can I do that? I have been in pain since she left me (Sunday) and we are in the middle of talking about and working out finances and stuff. I don’t wanna do any of it so I am hurting and she is okay with it all. All I can think about is good memories we had in 2010. It‘s a shame I can’t do anything to stop it but I wanna get over this awful pain in my chest and stomach. How long will it last?

Please help this soul in despair?

I am 25 yearold married woman with two children. I am starting to feel myself grow away from my husband. We have been married for 5 years and together 6 years. The largest argument is finances. My husband was fired from is job due to insubordination even though we were barely getting by on both of our salary. He is constantly fire or “laid off” from jobs and will stay unemployed for 8-12 months at a time. He will not go and look for a job unless I finally snap on him about being unemployed for lenghty times, when he loses his job I have always been understanding. I usually tell him oh well do not worry about it and try to lighten up the situation but after 10 months unemployed and only searching a total of 4 days. Due to the income issues we have had our electricity cut off( they refused to give us extension because we have been late 10 times this year alone, embarrassing but it is the truth), internet and phone ( which I need for my job since I work at home), We are constantly late on our rent and now we are 2 months late and before we are evicted I made a decision to move to a less expensive place ( we only have to pay 600.00 monthly, and can barely afford that), I have went without meals and given my daughters the food. I have pawned everything that I own over time, and due to no food in the house I have had to pawn a large keyboard that was bought for my daughter from her grandfather ( he passed on jan. 20 2010 and I had to sell it a month later) I explained to my husband how important this item was because before my fathjer died i told him I will continue my daughters piano lessons but due to no funds I had to pawn it, and it angers me that he acts as if he does not care to try to get it back, he says he cares but his actions show differently. The arguments have gotten so bad that insults seem to fly out of both mouths towards each other during arguments. A few years ago I brought up marriage counseling and he said he wanted to do it, but when it came down to it was never done. In our latest argument hje states it is my fault that he is unemployed because he concentrated all his eotions and time on me due to my father passing, I have filled out apps for him, I faxed the resume also, wrote his resume and at one point went as far as to call places from the phone book get info on hiring and wrote all information down including hr supervisors and all he had to do was follow up but he never did. I have filled out financial aid and tried to get him in school, he never followeed through, but he told me I should have done more to help him get into college. Everything is an argument ( If I ask him to clean the kitchen or anything really, it turns into who did it last and how I don’t do anything), anytime I try to tell him we both need to improve on things he always turns it around on me ( he always says: what have you done lately) I have worked the same job for 1 1/2 years( we moved alot due to not having enough finances to stay in any one place for very long) I also am going to school full time. I am at my wit end and have no idea what to do? Is divorce the next step, please help I feel like I am sinking further in my depression and feel helpless.