Sandy asks…
How can I stop the tears?
I will try to make this brief…I need some advice please!
I have been in an abusive (verbally) marriage for 10 yrs, together for 20 years. 2 children and finally decided I am leaving. I have to wait until school ends in June cuz daughter is graduating this year so, cannot leave until then. Although we have not discussed it formally, he knows it is over. Each day is a mystery not knowing how the evening will go at home? One day, he will be nice, the next, I am a lazy, no good so and so. I keep quiet to prevent my son from having to listen anymore and I am hurting SO much!
I have read self-help books, kept a close relationship with God, statring putting money away, gotten all of my personal stuff out of the house without him knowing & am taking things day by day until the time comes.
I do whatever I can to protect my children from listening but, as he sees himself losing control over me, I see him when he’s angry…getting MORE AND MORE mad and his words get worse & worse!
He has literally destroyed his relationship with our older child over the years and she detests him. He is digging the grave deeper everyday with our little son (he is 11) and it hurts me SO much!
I can’t seem to stop blaming myself for EVER staying this long and putting my kids through this hell! This is why we are leaving…because it seems one day, I just realized that i have done EVERYTHING I can to be a good wife, a good mother and I was just trying to raise them in a home with 2 parents. I tried marriage counseling, individual counseling and after ALL this time, I realize it will never get better, only gotten worse!
How can I stop crying myself to sleep every night and feeling SO guilty for making my children live like this for SO long? I know it is not my fault but, I cannot help but feel stupid for being blinded for SO long to how much in trying to prevent them from growing up emotionally damaged, I have caused more harm by staying so long…by being afraid to walk away and feeling inadequate and like I could not do it on my own!
I need to make myself healthy before I leave him in June so that I am 100% able to try to mend the mistakes our fighting has caused them over the years!
I only had their best intentions in mind above everything else…they are my 100% priority in life and I don’t know how to stop myself from psychologically beating myself up for not acting sooner?
Sorry SO long,,,,I appreciate you reading it all!
Thanks!
MarriageCounseling answers:
You sound like you are writing my biography. First of all congratulations on your decision. Just the fact that you have made a firm decision of leaving that abusive life should make your tears stop.
Don’t ever feel any kind of guilt. That is the main reason why abusers succeed, because if they can build up guilt, they will stay in business, so take that power away right NOW.
When there is a lesson to learn in life, time is of no importance. Maybe God wants to use you to help other women in your same situation as He did with me and I do not regret all those years I suffered, the rewards of wisdom and the capacity of helping others is way more rewarding.
Think that your children will not judge you for your mistakes or your tolerance, they will judge you on what are you going to do from now on, here is where their true respect and admiration for their mother kicks in.
Do not try to do God’s job. He will be able to handle your children, He will give you the strength, He will make you healthy “By His stripes, we are healed”, remember?
You have taken the most difficult step and that is to make the decision to turn your life around and your children’s. If God for you, who against you?
Congratulations on your beginning, trust God with all your heart and He will direct your path.
God bless you
Helen asks…
I am depressed and stressed. Can you give me an advice?
First I must say, I go to counseling, so please don’t suggest that. I am a new mum, I have a lovely daughter of 6 months old. I am depressed and stressed because of the following reasons:
1- My residency. I am living in UK now, and waiting for my USA green card through marriage which is at its last stage. (Waiting for the interview appointment). So I am just anxiousely waiting.
2- I want to start my own business from home as an IT recruitment agency and I know I can do it, because I used to be a sales manager for 4 years. But I just can’t get started, I have prepared the necessary forms, bought the equipment (fax, printer, extra phone line, computer, books), researched a lot, made some initial calls, but I just can’t start working. Everytime I want to pick up the phone, I get extremely immobilized, as I’m stressed any time the baby can cry.
3- I have extreme communication problems with my husband, we don’t have a sex life, and he is very sick all the time.
4- I am overweight and I am trying to lose weight with aerobic home video. But all these activities seem so impossible and I feel like they need so much energy, and I don’t have it.
5- I am very isolated right now, and I am trying to socialize, but again, it’s too much effort to get out of the house.
I am just always too stressed, what can you advice me on?
MarriageCounseling answers:
Speaking from experience, fight your way through it. Make yourself pick up that phone and don’t procrastinate. I know it is easier said than done but if you make yourself do it for 3 days straight you will get into the rhythm and feel so much better about yourself
Daniel asks…
Help! I think I need to get a divorce?
I’ve been married for about 10 years now and unhappy for an accumulative 8 years. We used to fight a lot, but now we don’t (mainly because I just give him what he wants and stopped arguing unnecessarily).
My problem is that he doesn’t want to spend time with me and our 2 kids. He works full time, and goes to night classes. Which leaves little to no time for us to hang out as a family. When he comes home from work he goes straight to his room to play the xbox. I could understand a hour or two here and there because he needs some time for himself, but 6-10 hours a day is ridiculous.
If it isn’t a video game, he’ll read a book, take a 3 hour nap or play on the computer. When we ask him if he wants to go to the movies or just hang out with us (me and the kids) he has no problem saying no. I spend a lot of extra time with the kids because I feel guilty. They ask “is daddy coming”, and it breaks my heart to see their faces when I say no. He wakes up on the weekends and doesn’t even come out of the room to say good morning, he just starts playing video games online with his friends. Sometimes the kids don’t see him until he comes out around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, when he emerges to eat.
We all walk on eggshells to not upset him, because he is very very strict with the kids. It seems as though most of his interaction with them is negative, like he grounding them or yelling at them.
I’ve tried talking to him, and suggesting counseling for our marriage at least and he refuses. I don’t know what else to do, I am miserable and don’t want my kids to think that this is ok for any relationship. I try to give the impression that we are all happy, but I am sure my kids know better.
I do love him and really don’t want to get a divorce. I keep our house clean, I cook everyday and take care of our kids. I do anything and everything for him. I think sometimes it’s my fault for making everything so easy for him..
All I want is advice, I could do without mean comments.. Thank You
Whenever we around other people he says how perfect I am and how he can’t live without me, but once we get home its like he doesn’t know we exist.
MarriageCounseling answers:
You’re already living without a husband. Why not divorce him and make it official? Kick him out of the house so you don’t have to walk on eggshells around him. You’ll be so much happier when he’s gone and out of your life and the only contact you’ll have from him is his paycheck.
Betty asks…
Not sure what to think. How do you know?
How do you know when it’s just time to call it quits? Me and my husband have been constantly fighting for the last few months. Mainly ever since he was fired back in March.
A lot of it had to do with me and my temper so I bought a couple anger managment work books, notebooks to vent in and all that jazz. And it helped! I really changed because I knew it was something that bothered him and I didn’t want to lose him.
Now, I do understand the whole “you can’t change the one you love” thing. I do get that. However, I also believe both parties are going to have to step up and make sacrifices. And I have worked so hard to fix my flaws. I can tell him something that he does that bothers me, and he either:
A. Ignores it and does it anyway
or B:Denies it.
I love this man with all my heart but I am honestly getting to the point where I’m starting to resent him because of the way he treats me. All he does during the week (while he is unemployed) is take care of our almost 1 year old son and next to nothing around the house. Then when I get home from a long day from work, chews me out for never doing anything. On the weekends, he sleeps all day (literally til about 5-6pm) and I take care of our son. If I ever dare to ask for a break, he gets upset and lays a guilt trip on me. He makes all sorts of promises of plans (go on a “date”, etc.) and never follows through with them. Then when it disappoints me, he gets upset with me because I’m “in a bad mood”.
I’ve asked if he’ll go to marriage counselling with me, and he won’t. He says I’m the root of the problems in the marriage and I need to go get counselling. I know I’ve screwed up in the past, but I’ve really changed. He claims to love me so much, but never puts it to action. I’m so miserable in this marriage and I feel as though my hands are tied. Also, I don’t want to hurt our little boy with all this. ADVICE PLEASE????
Sorry it was so long!
Also, he isn’t able to go find a job due to the fact that he is in the Union. He can’t go get another job or he’ll get kicked. He has to wait for them to place him. Which is BULL
MarriageCounseling answers:
Not sure exactly what the past is concerning his employment. If has always worked hard, & takes pride in his manhood, then he might be experiencing depression. Is he even looking for more work?? If not, then put your foot down. I myself had a lazy sob. Took me forever to figure it out. I bought into all of his,”i’m trying but i’m so depressed i can’t right now”…crap. He too, would watch the kids while i worked. In the end, the depression was just a lame excuse to be lazy, & he eventually had my oldest child waiting on him hand & foot. Your son will learn by example. Do you want your boy to think that a man’s duty is to lay around, sleep, eat, and watch tv all day, every day? That’s how your boy will turn out too, perhaps. So don’t worry about the split being harmful for your child, it might actually be better. Put your foot down immediatedly. Insist that your husband find some work, or else. See his reaction. If he puts up a lot of excuses, then give him the “or else”. If he half-heartedly keeps finding & then losing jobs over time, then he is a lazy man who hates working. Don’t put up with it.
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