Your Questions About Marriage Therapy

MarriageCounseling answers:

I have never heard of that. Maybe you should talk to his former therapist and ask why he/she thought this was his best option. Maybe your husband didn’t make it clear what you two need. Could it be this is “husband’s group therapy”?
I would definetly want to be going to therapy together, even if he is still going to attend the group meetings.
Definetly tell him and his therapist why you are not comfortable with it. Not a good time to feel so vulnerable about something! (a great book my husband and i are reading right now that has been very helpful, “good husband, great marriage” by Robert Mark Alter)
good luck!

MarriageCounseling answers:

1 & 2: A marital infidelity need not lead to divorce. If it’s a one-time indiscretion and the cheater feels guilty and terrible about it, marital counseling CAN help and you can explore within the confines of a therapeutic setting why the infidelity happened, how it can be addressed, how trust can be restored and what needs to be done to show the injured spouse that it was NOT their fault and that this issue is fixable. Now, here is the caveat: it will take a LOT of work, and both parties have to willing to be honest and unfllinching about their expectations and hopes for the future. I firmly believe this has to happen in a therapeutic setting to avoid negative communication, recrriminations, ugly accusations and distractions from the issue at hand. You need a strong therapist to aid in keeping communication clear and on track.

3. Cheating happens for many reasons. One part of the couple feels they aren’t getting enough positive attention or sex. People may inadvertently drift apart and a fling seems to be a good way to alleviate boredom. Seldom is it true that the cheater really cares more for his /her affair partner than their spouse; they actually are using the third person to prop up their ego, feel more desirable, recapture some young adventurous feeling, etc. Studies show that the person a married person cheats with is most often considered less attractive than the spouse, but more available which is why the attraction begins.

4. I don’t believe in “proposing” to anyone (“special” is some kind of euphemism for available or someone who pays attention to me; this person is not really all that special. Their main attraction is that they are AVAILABLE.) to whom you are not married. PROPOSITIONING them is a more appropriate term. You can’t really promise them anything if you are trying to hide this from your marriage. The yahoo answers are full of stories of women still waiting for their lover to divorce the wife and be with the for x number of years? Is that a proposal? Not in my book.

5. A marriage “filled” with lies. Dang that is a tough one. It could be worked through, but very few people have the stamina to own up to their gazillion lies and address all of them and promise to change their ways. You could put them on a polygraph every month; I’ve seen it done with good consequences, but few people are willing to submit to that amount of scrutiny.

6. I don’t understand this question? Someone was assaulted? As in physically attacked and harmed? If it was a one time thing predicated on the shocking revelation of cheating, maybe again this could be worked through in therapy IF AND ONLY IF there had never been before or since any form of physical attack. Assault is no joke and I meant that SERIOUSLY, but only the people involved know what the situation surrounding the attack were occurring and if it’s something so completely out of character by the assaulter as to be considered a complete out of character reaction. But this should be discussed in the therapeutic situation.

OK, I answered your questions to the best of my abilities. I wish you a lot of luck and hope it all works out.

MarriageCounseling answers:

I don’t know about that area but I do know of an excellent teaching resource called Making Marriage Work that’s available on line @ http://www.enduringtruth.org/catalog.asp item # 771776

MarriageCounseling answers:

Couples will be different…You can not use the same approach with every one. You have to use what works for the couple.