Your Questions About Military Marriage Counseling

Guy’s Help, Is my husband really sorry? Should I try to trust once again? ?

So this past year has been very rocky for my husband and I. I was at my husbands military christmas party and one of his lady co-workers seemed to be acting very strange. I felt funny about it. When we drove home I asked my husband about it. I also asked him how he felt about her. He casually said, “he was close to her, No really close to her”. I about dropped my jaw at him saying that so openly. I talked to him about it and asked him what he meant and he said, “we’re just friends close friends from being in the same platoon together for so many years.” I still didn’t feel very good about it, So I got snoopy. (No Im not proud of it) But glad I did. I found in his e-mail that he left open on accident that he was e-mailing her and asking to have lunch with her at drill weekends. He was e-mailing her regularly. The e-mail did just seem friendly – not sexual or anything, but he would say maybe we can have lunch this weekend. Then I found he was also signed up for a Adult web site. Which REALLY HURT. I have always loved my husband and been faithful to him so this was a blow to me. Because I had already forgave him for cheating on me when we lived over seas in Italy. He went to school (in the military) and on his off time he would go to a bar and drink with another Navy guy and was sitting with two ladies which over the five weeks turned into dancing and kissing. I was so hurt the first time because I was pregnant at the time and far from all my family. Took a long time to get over but he promised it would NEVER EVER happen again. So to get back to the recent…..I am having a hard time dealing with all of this again. He swearer’s he did nothing with the lady from the military other than a dinner and talking at lunch and swearer’s most of the time other people from the platoon was there.
But then I found out he was flirting with ladies on Myspace, man things just kept getting worse. I was going crazy. I even found a saved phone number from an old girlfriend. He said they messaged each other on classmates and then later looked her number up and saved it in his work phone, but that he never used it. How do I trust him. He has given all his codes to me and swearer’s I am his only one. But I know Cheaters will lie till they go to their GRAVE. So I am always on my toes. We have been to counseling a few times, it did help, But I am still having a hard time…..He promised me the first time he cheated he would never be with a lady alone again, but then he went to dinner with her and lied to me about it, He says, He lied to me because he knew i’d be mad and there was nothing to the dinner, but friendship.

He gets very mad at me when I bring up his past, or when i tell him I don’t trust him. He just doesn’t get what he has destroyed. We are very very close as a couple, (I know that sounds weird) But we are always holding hands, kissing and everyone tells us how cute we are as a couple and wish they could find a relationship like that. Yes our sex life is GREAT also. At least everyday and usually more than that. Yes we have four kids. Yes we have to be creative. We have been married 19 1/2 years now. But I just don’t know what to think. Does he really love me, Why do men flirt with women “IF THEY LOVE THERE WIFE’S SO MUCH” I JUST DON’T KNOW IF I CAN EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. But I feel like things will never be the same again. We have a week or two that goes great and then all my frustrations come back from a flash back. How does one EVER REALLY know if someone is Truly sorry????????? I wish I could really know if he love’s me. I cry often, but he doesn’t know it. I cry because I miss (the KNOWING my husband LOVED ME) It’s a feeling I wish I could get back.

I haven’t told anyone about all this (except the counselor) and I have to always acted like my marriage is great to our family etc. I don’t want everyone to know what he has done. One its embarrassing for me and I don’t want anyone to think badly of him. I know that’s sounds stupid. But You gotta understand I LOVE HIM and I don’t want him hurt in anyway. We have enough pain between us dealing with it than to involve others. Also another reason is our son went though Cancer for a year and We’ve had enough pain, so involving others just would add to it. This is way I am sharing it here. I need to get it out. I know he doesn’t want to loose “US” when I mentioned leaving him he feel apart crying begging me not to leave. He is constantly tell me that he love’s me and never has Cheated since Italy with the Kiss. He tells me he didn’t realize the things he was doing recently was going to hurt me or that I would call it cheating. But I am so confused & not sure if I can trust him. Guys what are some signs that a guy is really sorry. HELP!!!!!!!

seperation? i really dont know anything about it?

For those of you who have read my previous questions in the last few months, I really appreciate your input.

My husband and I have been having horrible problems which result in ugly flights. He doesn’t respect me, he doesn’t have any respect for what I do as a mother, and he has little concept of fatherhood. In the last few months, something has changed with him. Personally, I think he’s depressed, but it doesn’t matter because I can’t make him better, and I can’t force him to get help. We tried counseling. He started yelling at the counselor (yes, he has a temper issue) and walked out in the middle of our first session. He refused to go back stating that the counselor just “blamed” him for everything. I’d prefer to work on our marriage, but I am slowly realizing that he has no interest in working on it. I am fighting an unbeatable battle here. Things have gotten very ugly at home. He had a history of being physically abusive while dating. He stopped the physical abuse after I insisted on anger management if we intended to work on our relationship. Since July, however, the emotional and mental abuse has been unexplainable.

Some facts:
We have been married for 9 months only.
We have one child, 7 months old.
We have lived together since 2006 (we own a home together, but we don’t live in that home).
He makes a fine income in the military.
I have a few investments that provide my income, which allows me to be a stay -at – home mother.
I have not ”worked” since we moved in together, but the majority of my income goes to savings, unlike his, which goes to bills.
I have no debt, all of our debt is in the form of his bills, credit cars, car payments, etc. I dont have any of those things.

He called my father today (yes, how juvenile) and told him I am psychotic, he doesn’t love me, and I need to leave.
My parents, who are usually inpartial, but clearly looking for my best interest, are urging me to file for legal seperation.
What exactly does that mean? How do I do it? Does he need to agree?

In the last few months, since July, he’s moved to the guest room – but spending a large amount of nights away from home. He prefers to drink. We haven’t really talked in any way besides arguing. I’ve certainly tried, but I’ve realized we have very different styles of communicating, and I am just not able to handle being screamed at, name called, and disrespected as a form of communication.

He is using his ‘money’ as a control issue. We have a family plan for our cell phones. He shut my phone off. He told me he is going to shut off the internet, cable, and phone, because he “pays the bills”. He took the keys to my vehicle because he said I shouldn’t be driving it because he ‘pays’ the insurance.

It’s just hard for me to undersand what exactly to do. I mean, I get that the money for those bills comes out of the same account that his checks get deposited into, but it’s not as though I just lounge at the beach all day in a life of leisure. We have our own accounts, however they are both, technically, joint accounts. We are on each others accounts, but our debit cards are linked to our ‘own accounts. we have a savings account that is both of ours, as well. That is where my income goes, we dont really touch that money.

Anyway, I just dont know what seperation means. I am 100% against divorce, and completely for making a marriage work. But I can’t communicate with a brick wall. It’s clear he doesn’t have the resources to have a sucessful marriage, but i’ve realize he doesnt want them, either. As I said, I do not want a divorce, but I do not want to live in this situation either. He uses the fact that he “pays” as a control thing, threatening me with money routinely. He threatens to kick my infant son and I out of the house almost daily.

My mother said seperation will get all of those financial things in order. Although I know my husband says, many times in a day, that he hates me, doesn’t love me, and wants a divorce, I think it may inevitably be me that has to do the dirty work of getting one. He has made no effort to make our situation anything but more unlivable.

I am sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any input, ideas, experiences, or could tell me how to steer this, I would greatly appreciate it. I am just so niave to the divorce world.

I’m not sure if it matters, legally, but he has cheated and lied, he has threatened to kill me, grabbed me, pushed me… I think that’s it as far as moral marriage laws I feel have been crossed… besides the enourmous lack of respect he has for me, as a wife, person, and mother of his child.

ugh. thanks.
Additionally, to clarify why he thinks I am “crazy” and psycho…

His behavior, lies, not coming home at night, complete lack of respect for me, etc, have driven me nuts. I very much agree that the way he is handling things has left my mindset in an abormal situaiton. He doesn’t answer his phone, after three calls, he shuts it off – my mind wanders, and i turn nuts… that’s just one example of why i’m ‘crazy’. but i am, however, on anti-anixiety meds, and have been for a few years now… which feeds his use of the metal disorder words.
agent- he has anger issues – he’s been arrested and convicted of domestic battery. he has a temper. it’s not a debate, it’s a fact.
he’s in the military, he has a stressful job. i dont bring his job into our marriage. i simply stated he has a steady income as a soldier.
in our prior duty station, we entered into a common law marriage in 2006. prior to that, in 2004 we lived together as well, however i was in college in a different state so our relationship was at a different stage. for the last 4 years we’ve lived together and i’ve been exposed to his temper.

I am also exposed to his family.

I am very aware that his family allowed him to have these anger issues, and that the military didn’t bring them on.

but hey, thanks for assuming…

he picked the counselor, found it through the military, actually.
and, additionally, i do make a higher income. we just spend it differently than his. my income goes to TSPs, retirement plans, savings, and college funds, as well as a few high yeild investments and real estate…

my income goes towards the future, his income goes to the ‘now’.

I am able to support myself, that wasn’t the point of my quesiton.

Will a good Christian man be interested in me?

I was 19 when I got married. He was in the military. I am a Christian and I thought he was, but he changed after war. I waited until I was married. I was a virgin. Later in the marriage he cheated and now I am in the process of a divorce. I tried to reconcile with him and seek counseling but he was unrepentant.

Now I am wondering if a good Christian man would want to be with a 22 year old divorcee? I have no children, thankfully, since this would be too hard on them. I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage but I am no longer a virgin and I am afraid that men who want the same thing, to save sex for marriage, won’t want me because I am no longer a virgin. Thoughts?
It isn’t a matter of just finding SOMEONE…I am sure that is not a problem. But I want a man who will wait to have sex until marriage…one who is not sexually active and still claiming to be a Christian. I am praying for the right man, I just feel a little insecure right now because I gave my husband this precious gift he threw away and now I don’t have that gift anymore.

How can I trust him a second time? What do you think of all of this?

So this past year has been very rocky for my husband and I. I was at my husbands military christmas party and one of his lady co-workers seemed to be acting very strange. I felt funny about it. When we drove home I asked my husband about it. I also asked him how he felt about her. He casually said, “he was close to her, No really close to her”. I about dropped my jaw at him saying that so openly. I talked to him about it and asked him what he meant and he said, “we’re just friends close friends from being in the same platoon together for so many years.” I still didn’t feel very good about it, So I got snoopy. (No Im not proud of it) But glad I did. I found in his e-mail that he left open on accident that he was e-mailing her and asking to have lunch with her at drill weekends. He was e-mailing her regularly. The e-mail did just seem friendly – not sexual or anything, but he would say maybe we can have lunch this weekend. Then I found he was also signed up for a Adult web site. Which REALLY HURT. I have always loved my husband and been faithful to him so this was a blow to me. Because I had already forgave him for cheating on me when we lived over seas in Italy. He went to school (in the military) and on his off time he would go to a bar and drink with another Navy guy and was sitting with two ladies which over the five weeks turned into dancing and kissing. I was so hurt the first time because I was pregnant at the time and far from all my family. Took a long time to get over but he promised it would NEVER EVER happen again. So to get back to the recent…..I am having a hard time dealing with all of this again. He swere’s he did nothing with the lady from the military other than a dinner and talking at lunch and swere’s most of the time other people from the platoon was there.
But then I found out he was flirting with ladies on Myspace, man things just kept getting worse. I was going crazy. I even found a saved phone number from an old girlfriend. He said they messaged each other on classmates and then later looked her number up and saved it in his work phone, but that he never used it. How do I trust him. He has given all his codes to me and swere’s I am his only one. But I know Cheaters will lie till they go to their GRAVE. So I am always on my toes. We have been to counseling a few times, it did help, But I am still having a hard time…..He promised me the first time he cheated he would never be with a lady alone again, but then he went to dinner with her and lied to me about it, He says, He lied to me because he knew i’d be mad and there was nothing to the dinner, but friendship.

He gets very mad at me when I bring up his past, or when i tell him I don’t trust him. He just doesn’t get what he has destoried. We are very very close as a couple, (I know that sounds weird) But we are always holding hands, kissing and everyone tells us how cute we are as a couple and wish they could find a relationship like that. Yes our sex life is GREAT also. At least everyday and usually more than that. Yes we have four kids. Yes we have to be creative. We have been married 19 1/2 years now. But I just don’t know what to think. Does he really love me, Why do men flirt with women “IF THEY LOVE THERE WIFES SO MUCH” I JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. But I feel like things will never be the same again. We have a week or two that goes great and then all my frustrations come back from a flash back. How does one EVER REALLY know if someone is truely sorry????????? I wish I could really know if he love’s me. I cry often, but he doesn’t know it. I cry because I miss (the KNOWING my husband LOVED ME) It’s a feeling I wish I could get back.

I haven’t told anyone about all this (except the counselor) and I have to always acted like my marriage is great to our family etc. I don’t want everyone to know what he has done. One its embarrasing for me and I don’t want anyone to think badly of him. I know thats sounds stupid. But You gotta understand I LOVE HIM and I don’t want him hurt in anyway. We have enough pain between us dealing with it than to involve others. Also another reason is our son went though Cancer for a year and We’ve had enough pain, so envolving others just would add to it. This is way I am sharing it here. I need to get it out. I know he doesn’t want to loose “US” when I mentioned leaving him he feel apart crying begging me not to leave. But I am so confused. HELP!!!!!!! Does he LOVE ME??????