Jenny asks…
Advice needed. Can I save my marriage?
My husband and I were best friends for many years before dating. Our relationship became exclusive, and we were in love very quickly. I had anxiety/depression issues that were affecting our relationship. He asked me to go to the Dr, and the Dr prescribed me medicaton. Things got better, but I lost my sex drive. My husband let me know over and over that he was not happy about the lack of sex, and asked me if I would go see a marriage counsellor to see if he could help. I flat out refused. I was so scared at the talk of marriage counselling and what that might mean… Fast forward a few years. We got married, and have been married for 4 years (will celebrate anniversary in a few days). I got pregnant with our first child( she was just born 7 weeks ago) When I was pregnant, we sort of became distant with eachother. Probably a combination of many things (we were sleeping in separate rooms so that I would not disturb him being unconfortable, and so that his snoring wouldn’t bother me. We did not have sex even one time once I found out I was pregnant. My husband said that once the baby was born we would need to try to get the intimacy back.
A couple of weeks ago, when the baby was a month old, I started asking my husband questions about how he was feeling about things in our marriage. After much coaxing, he told me he was still un-satisfied with the intimacy in our realtionship( not just sex, but any type of intimacy). He started to cry and told me that he didn;t know where his head was, and he is so angry for me for not going to counselling back when he asked me a few years ago.He is worried that it mught be too late to get the intimacy back.
It also came out that one of the reasons he said he wanted to start a family was so that it may bring us closer together..so far that hasn;t happened.. So… we had a major conversation, and it was painfully honest.
He said he did not want to leave me, but that thngs desperatley need to change if there is hope for us to stay together. I told him that I would go to counselling if he still wanted to do that. He said, lets hold off for a few weeks, and see how we can get on our own now that all the cards are on the table.. So… over the last few weeks..Things seem really good to me..I was alot more affectionate..Touching him, telling him I love him, smiling when he comes home every day. We have fooled around (but not sex as I JUST got clearance from the doctor after having the baby). He seemed happy with the way things were going.. So..last night laying in bed, I asked him how he was feeling now. He said, we are on the right track, but we still have a way to go. I was crushed..He told me that it is going to take time, and he doesn’t feel the closeness yet that he wishes he would.. I was crushed… I am worried that it might be too late….We agreed to both keep on going, and there still is no talk of him leaving…yet…How do I get the closeness back, how do I make my husband feel happy, and remind him od why he loved me so much before?? I am scared.. I want this to work so badly..
MarriageCounseling answers:
Awww…Don’t be crushed. He is just being honest with you. It took a long time to get this much distance between you, it won’t go away all at once. It’s good that both of you are committed to making this work. Just take it a day at a time.
Charles asks…
Do you believe counseling can truly save a failing/unfaithful marriage?
If so, please explain and/or provide examples of couples that successfully worked through their problems
MarriageCounseling answers:
I think that it can, but only if both people are willing to try. Counseling is not a cure-all. It’s not some magic pill that you can take and everything will right itself as soon as you walk through the door. The only thing that counseling does is give you direction and a way to help yourselves. It’s a lot of hard work, but it can work.
Paul asks…
Possible ending of marriage?
So my husband and I have been together for about 6 years and married for two. We have had a long hard past and I feel that it is still affecting us now. I admit I was not the best in the relationship with being unfaithful and such. He also was too, but not as much as me as far as I know. It has been difficult
since he is in the army and I came to stay with him to support him. We seem to always fall into the same patterns of not talking really and focusing on things other than our relationship. I wonder if we got married to young. I have looked into things to save our marriage and told him I wanted to try marriage counseling but neither one of us has really pursued it. I also know that he is “infatuated” with my best friend because she does a lot of different things with her life. She is admirable. Ultimately I feel that we have simply been holding on to something that won’t work. All of our friends also have said they never saw it working because of all that we have been through. I feel like I let my own life disappear to try to show him I love him and it’s left me lost. What do you think I should do?
MarriageCounseling answers:
You must realize he is in the army and will often be driven to other things, and marriage counseling isn’t always the option. You need to talk to him, alone, even if he says he doesn’t want to. Tell him what you told us, speak from your heart. You gave up most of your life for him and he is not showing you he loves you properly. There is not much to do about this issue and begin unfaithful would certainly drive people away. Let him know about the consequences (temporary separation, moving out, divorce, ect..) and give him time to soak it in. It could take more than a week. Maybe you have moved into marriage too quickly, but it doesn’t mean you can’t make the relationship work. Even if it does mean having to use a serious consequence. He has to realize that you love him and are married and are willing to make the relationship work. If you feel he is being seduced by your best friend, let him be. It’s his relationship he is ruining, remember.
This is really your opinion, but if I were you, I would seriously think this relationship through, before it flops even more.
Sandra asks…
Any advice or possitive hopeful stories about marriage? (Long story)?
Well my wife is 16 years older than me, she has had a very ruff childhood and a very bad 15 year marriage prior to meeting me. All I wanted was to be with her and be happy and help her become who she wants. She broke up with me 3 months into dating, only to come back 2 weeks later. Then she wanted to get married and chose herself a ring for me to get her, we got married after 5 or 6 months of dating ( I know very fast, what was I thinking). After 2 months of marriage she allready started talking divorce and that she didn’t thing she loved me.
After another 5 months she had us seperate after I tried everything possible to save our marriage, counseling, doing chores, paying all our bills while she wasn’t working, getting her food whenever she had her pregnancy cravings (she got pregnant on our honeymoon, we never had sex b4 marriage). Then after she had me fill out all the paper work for a divroce and I had been living in my parents house for months without sex or anything from my wife for 7 months.
I was going to have her fill out the papers and sign and she changed her mind, and we went back into counseling and I didn’t believe her that she wanted to make it work, but she proved it to me for a period of 3 months. Now it’s been 6 months longer and now she’s back to not loving me and talking about possibly divorcing me anyways..
I know this is a long story and you probably think I’m crazy for putting up with all of this. I have a 9 month old son and I really love this woman to death even after all she’s done to me. I may have made a mistake in marrying her but I’ve been a man and owned up to my mistake and done everything to make things work. The counselor thinks he can help her as he diagnosed her with Attachment disorder because of her rugged childhood with her father and mother.
I don’t expect anyone to wave a magic wand and fix my problem, but is there anything I’m missing, is there anything else I can try that might help? We plan go go camping this next weekend with her family. Please be mature, if you don’t have anything good to say please don’t bother answering. I don’t want to get in a divorce either.. I will if she asks me but I don’t plan on bringing it up more or getting papers either, if she wants a divorce so badly she can do it herself.
MarriageCounseling answers:
I feel for you! It sounds like you’re breaking your back trying to make this work out. See if you can convince her to go on medication.
I don’t know what else to tell you, though. It takes two to make a marriage work. At some point you have to give yourself permission to move on.
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Dr. Max Vogt is known as one
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