Your Questions About Military Marriage Counseling

Can you divorce a civilian contractor while they’re in Iraq?

I know the title is terrible sounding so let me elaborate. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We started having trouble just 6 months into our relationship but I ended up getting pregnant so we stayed together and about 8 months later we got married. We really just did it for our son. My husband’s almost always been emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. We almost divorced about a year into the marriage. I cheated because I was looking for some sort of emotional connection with another adult (it was wrong and I understand that) he became physically abusive (very much so) we sought counseling and although it didn’t work out we thought we’d learned a few things to help counsel ourselves and for about 8 months our relationship improved. During that time I got pregnant again and almost immediately our relationship turned sour. It’s had it’s ups and downs but even the ups are far below normal ups for relationships. I’ve not been interested in him sexually for 4 1/2 years now. I only force myself to pleasure him so that I don’t have to listen to him complain and nag constantly. Even then we only engage in sexual activity about once a month. The spark left long ago and the love quickly followed. Now it’s more of a disgust yet tolerance (because of the kids). We’ve been trying for years (or at least I have). He’s no longer physically abusive but he does still cut me down and bully me emotionally/mentally on a daily basis. He gets his kicks from seeing me upset… sometimes he treats our children in the same manner.

Anyway, I’ve tried to keep the relationship together, I’ve tried to stick around for the kids but it’s just not possible. I keep saying the kids are worth it but the lessons our son and daughter are learning from the way he treats me (and possibly from my actions as well) are just not how I want them growing up thinking is normal. My husband verbally announces often (to the kids) that marriage is the worst mistake you could ever make. I don’t want the kids thinking that. I think real love is possible and I want that for them someday.

My husband is leaving for Iraq in about a month. He’s a contractor, not military. He’ll be gone for a year. With our relationship the way it is I doubt we’d make it even if I wanted to. So I’m planning for the worst case/likely scenario. If I were to decide to divorce, could I file while he’s in Iraq? Could the divorce be complete while he’s in Iraq? I know soldiers can sign some paper to put things off until their back but can civilians? If we were to divorce I’d hope for it to get started (if not finalized) before he comes home. That way the bad taste is out of his mouth (and mine) and we can be civil for the kids. I am sure it’s going to be painful so I think it’s best if it’s done while were so far apart.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
I’ve been nothing but the perfect, Martha Stuartish stay at home mom, dinner on the table and house immaculate -wife to him since then. I’ve done my part and really tried. I’ve now realized that it’s not fair to say stick it out for the children. What lessons are we teaching them about love and marriage if we can’t get along? What lessons is he teaching them when he tells them to tell me they don’t love me or puts me down in front of them? Tells them to never get married. Tells me in front of our daughter that women are here to serve men? These are lessons I don’t want our children learning. If I stay I’m just ruining any chance of them having a normal loving relationship down the road! I want them learning good lessons about commitment but not that you should allow someone to treat you terrible.

I don’t want 1/2. I just want the kids and their belongings. I’m willing to give him 3 weekends a month (instead of just 2) and 1 extra day a week, all 4 days.. 1/2 of all holidays…
I don’t want to screw him over. I just don’t want to live like this anymore.
I don’t want to have to get nasty in court though I’m sure if it came to it I’d win.
I have a 3rd son (prior to our marriage) and he’s practically raised him (from 6 months on) so I’m even willing to let that relationship continue and allow him reasonable visitation as well (even though my son’s dad is still in his life). I want to make it as easy for the kids as possible too…

I’m just not sure how to go about it. With him being over there and everything, how could he attend court hearings and such?

My husband is a pathological liar, please help???!?

I want to stay with him and give him a chance but he lies OVER and OVER again. It’s like an addiction that he doesn’t want to get help for. I don’t understand this. I love him, and want him to get help, but do you think he would get help?? He’s lied so much and I don’t know what to believe with him anymore.
I found a condom in his old car and I’m not convinced it was there because he was “jerking off and used the condom because he didn’t want to make a mess.”
He’s in the Navy and got himself in trouble, so I don’t get to see him for 45 days. There is a court date coming up but because his ship will be underway he won’t be able to make it and I have to go to court alone, just like I had to do other responsibilities alone.
When I first met him, he wasn’t the typical sailor, he was nice and sweet, but soon this dark side just came out, now his captain has taken away our pay, bills are struggling, I barely have gas in the vehicle, I WANT A CIGARETTE so badly (even though I quit smoking), I’ve never been this miserable and alone, and he makes me feel as if I did something wrong when I was the one who gave up a lot for him.
He disrespects me, abandons me, hangs up the phone on me, then tells me later on he’s sorry and he loves me, but then it happens again, and sometimes I wonder if I’m guilty of anything. He just seems so miserable in this marriage and is proving to me that he doesn’t care when all I want to do is have a happy marriage. TWICE he’s left me stranded in an apartment with almost no food. One time he left me on a military base and I had to get a ride home with a stranger. He gets SO mad at me when I catch him in a lie. And that’s not even the half of it.
But we had our good time too I guess… if they weren’t all lies, if he wasn’t faking it… Ugh.
I just want him to love me. He’s been to counseling, no result. Been to church, no result. I don’t know what else to do with this man. I gave up my very well paying and supportive job as an exotic dancer for him and now I’m stuck in an empty apartment, with donated food in my cupboards, with insecurities, lonliness and sadness surrounding me. But “Oh golly gee I’m married!” xP
I want to leave, but a big part of me still wants to have hope in him…
What should I do?
And i REALLY shouldn’t have any cigarettes so please convince me not to…. and I really don’t want to go back to exotic dancing but sometimes the temptation to do it is there because the money is great and bills could get paid, but I didn’t want to live that life anymore, hence why I got married to settle down but noooo, I had to marry an idiot who loves to lie to his wife, abandon her, and then tries to make her feel bad for him, UGH and I’m playing right into his deception. He makes me feel so unattractive, I have to dress up to make myself feel good. I get more compliments from COMPLETE strangers than I do him. Which makes me feel good, but I don’t want it from strangers, I want it for him. I’m not an ugly girl at all! I have a pretty face and nice figure (Hence why I made so much money dancing) Was I seriously meant to be a stripper? It seems like I can’t do much of anything right. And he’s making himself so much less attractive with his ugly lies!!
How can this horrid cycle stop? :’/

Jeez I should’ve just joined the military when I had a chance but noooo, I wanted to be “married” UGH. fml.

My husband hasn’t been truly committed and has caused me too much pain?

Honestly I want a separation from him.
Not a divorce, not a marriage, just a basic separation.
I’ll try to sum it up.
I knew it was a mistake when I first got married. But I tried to make it better, however, things just kept getting worse.
He has lied to me too many times. He has not financially supported me a lot. He runs from responsibility, procrastinates and can’t take the consequences of his actions.
He went UA from the military, lied and told me he wasn’t UA, got in trouble with the Navy, and got himself kicked out even though I told him to stay in the military. We almost went hungry a few times and while he was restricted to his ship, if it wasn’t for a local church, I would’ve gone hungry.
He hurts me so much emotionally, but tries and tries again to turn it all back and blame me. We went to counseling sessions at three different churches already and it seemed as if it did nothing.
So let’s fast forward to the other day, there’s a woman who used to be at his new job and I asked him a simple question about him being on the phone with her and he immediately snapped at me, so I knew something was wrong. He gets into a car with this same woman when he told me he’d be home in 20 mins, I tried calling him and he didn’t pick up his phone and texted me later only to become more defensive when I only asked him why didn’t he just tell me what was going on. I saw in my computer history that he was watching pornography, then when I confronted him about it, he denied it, then even tried to blame my sister. He finally admitted to it later on, saying that God doesn’t really relieve his stress, and that I only temporarily relieve his stress. So apparently, a girl in front of a camera relieves his stress. And this wasn’t the first time I caught him watching porn!!!
Since then I’ve been having so many sleepless nights and stress. I’m glad church is coming up, I can use some encouragement. But I told him I wanted to separate. He told me he didn’t want to.
But I see his pattern: He tells me over and over he wants to be married, then, he shows me the opposite, then he comes back later with a heartfelt apology and even more promises that he’ll never hurt me, then, a few days/weeks, later he does the same nonsense to me and hurts me again and again. I’m so tired and sick of the trend.
Am I so wrong for wanting a separation? I do love him but he needs to figure out if he really loves me because I’m tired of his mouth, especially when his actions are the total opposite.
I guess I feel sad because I feel like I married the wrong person because I didn’t wait on God. I also feel sad because I do love him and that’s why it hurts me so much. I’ve just wanted to run to him and tell him everything, but I can’t, and that hurts.
I can’t trust a man who was a liar ever since I first met him and now one year and a month into our marriage still is a liar. We read the Bible, we go to church, we try and do what we can but I still have to put up with the same nonsense. I feel like I lost my independence, can’t sleep at night, headache city, he ruined my credit, broke my trust, backstabbed me, blamed me for nonsense HE did and ruined my chance of ever feeling loved by another man!
There’s a saying I’ve heard, “Fool me once shame on u, fool me again shame on me.”
And he’s fooled me way too many times and I kept taking him back. Why? Because I would see him as a sweet guy from the midwest who I did marry and so I had to follow that obligation.
Yes, I have trusted God, and things have gone smoothly, but when he keeps doing the same big mistakes over and over, it gets old.
So now we’re living with my parents because HE can’t financially support me. And he has a job now but that doesn’t mean anything.
I need to get out of my parent’s house. I want to be away from him, I want to be away from my parents, mostly my dad. No one wants to hear “The devil has been attacking you ever since you were a baby” nonsense and “God showed me to get a life insurance policy on you” and “You’re going to hell because you accidentally missed church”
And no one wants an over protective mom, trust me.
It sucks because they’re blaming me for being hurt. My dad keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to see any tears coming to my eyes. Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be SO strong in a horrible situation like this. Just go ahead and make me feel guilty.
I feel like moving all the way across the country and just being alone because I honestly feel like the cursed child of the beyond that non one cares about.
Why do I feel guilty for wanting a separation? I want to take him back, but the whole purpose of the separation is so he can go away and really figure out who he is.
Isn’t this a situation where separation is necessary?
Since we have a few little financial things to take care of, he can’t move out yet and neither can I. But in about a month, we can move. He’s claiming that he does love me, he just needs to know how to love me. We chatted for a little bit today and then later on he said he wanted to sleep in the same bed as me, so he did (we’ve been sleeping in separate beds ever since the porno incident), but I had trouble sleeping and realized I really don’t want to sleep in the same bed as him. Is that so wrong? Why do I feel guilty?
I just need to get away. I want to grow closer to God, I really do, and we did some Bible reading today, but I’m just so hurt by everything he’s done to me and I want him to be sure he loves me. Once he gets his full relationship with God, then he will be able to love me.
It sucks because I know I’m attractive and have a nice figure but yet he wants me to wear heavy make up and pretty skimpy clothes just so he won’t lust after other girls, it’s like I can’t be myself and makes me wonder why did he marry me if all he was going to do was do all these horrible things to me?
And why do I feel so guilty?
Now he’s in apology mode and is claiming that he’ll really change this time, with tears coming to his eyes but I’ve heard it all before, it’s nothing new… His apologies, then he hurts me again shortly after.
I’m just severely hurt and I need the Lord to take this pain.
Right now, my focus is: God- Bible, church, Me- college (Eventually work so I can move out on my own without him or anyone else).
I’m trying to stay busy and hold on to things that are positive because I can feel myself slip into a small depression and my true personality is very bubbily and I normally smile a lot so the last thing I need to be is depressed.

I’m so sorry this is so long.

This is long, but serious. Please help me I am lost.?

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We are now 19 years old and have just taken our first real “break”. We got very serious very quickly and at a very young age, and have always planned on marrying each other. We never went out or did anything; we acted like we were 90 instead of 19, but that was because he never wanted to. He has never gotten along with people our age and tries to stay away from them; he gets along better with like 40-50 year olds.
His parents are definately to blame for this. His mom has mood swings and has definate psychological issues. His dad has abusive, both physically and mentally, since he has been a kid. All he has seen for his whole life is a failing marriage with serious issues. He was forced to grow up very quickly, as they basically kicked him out during this past year.
However, over the past two and a half years he has become extremely close with my tight-knit and very loving family. Everyone here loves him, and he is honestly my best friend. However, he has serious anger issues. When we fight, which happens very frequently, he screams and swears uncontrollably and sometimes gets physical with me. He doesnt like hit me, but he will push me down or twist my arm, or try to hold me hostage. He will take my cell phone away, so that I feel helpless and it scares me. Sometimes he will do this, and drive away and tell me that he is going to commit suicide. Because of this, I initiated us taking a break, because I think that he definately needs to get some help. However, instead of taking the mature approach and trying to take a step to fix our relationship, he started seeing another girl, and kissed her after we broke up for 2 days. This broke my heart, and was not my intention. I just wanted him to see that he cannot keep treating me like this, because I am scared that one day I will be pregnant and he will push me and potentially really hurt me or my future children.
In addition, since we have been on a break he has done a 180. He has been treating me like ****. He has been getting drunk (which he NEVER has done, and always hated) and seeing this trashy girl who is the COMPLETE opposite of me. He has been going out to like clubs, which I honestly have no problem with, but he NEVER was interested before, and would mock people who did those things) And this has all happened in less than a week. I feel like I dont even know him. He has told me three times that he wants to get back together, and has gone back on his word and changed his mind three times.
Please somebody help me. I love him so much and would do anything for him. I told him that I will pay for counseling. He is a very good person, but I cannot deal with this stuff for much longer. He is forcing me to move on, and I have cried myself to sleep over it for the past week. Please give me advice.

He has admitted that he has a problem, but then he takes it back later. Like he will be like, “I know that something is not right and I will go to counseling” but then later he will be like, “I AM NOT CRAZY! i refuse to go see someone and feel like i am!!” So like he knows deep down that the problem is there, and recognizes it at times, but not others.

Also, he is in the US military, so he feels that they will like kick him out if it is discovered that he has any mental issues. And he LOVES being in the military.

I just hope that he changes his mind, and thinks that I am worth doing all of this.