Paul asks…
Help avoid my friends marriage from ending?
He is 48, she’s 38, and very domineering, just like her mother is with her Dad. They are great people, seem to still be in love, but she will throws huge fits if he wants a night out with the guys, which he has not really had for 10 years. All his guy friends know he has never cheated and would not. He lost interest in playing hockey and golf since she would throw a giant fit each time so he dreaded it. He is hurting bad and we friends care about them both. She will show up and be the only female among us guys who went to school together, when we go to our hometown on holidays, to a pub or whatever. They have two kids, 4 and 7. Money is not an issue, but last night he stayed out until 1am with friends and she said “it’s over”. Trust me: other women friends of hers say she is far too controlling and this seems to be the end. They did the counselling thing five years ago with no success: i.e: happier couple with more freedom for him. Is there a book he could get her or some advice??
Please don’t presume I will interfere, but would like to have some advice to give him when he asks again, which he will. Should have added that she’s generally seen as a bit of a “pyscho,” very kind and nice but a control freak.
MarriageCounseling answers:
I doubt a book will help. She is who she is.
I think he needs to stand his ground & be prepared for it to be over. If he’s ready to face the end of his marriage, he might be ready to save it.
He can not live his life as this woman’s slave. It would seem she does not trust him or appreciate him, nor does it seem like he has demanded that respect from her.
He needs to make sure he’s got his legal back-side covered (right NOW) and then let her do what she feels she needs to do.
From what you’ve said she is nothing but a manipulating & controlling person and she needs to be stopped. I doubt she will stop unless everything is on the line & if she doesn’t, well, then it probably was never a real marriage to begin with and he’s better off finding someone he can acually be happy & live a life with.
I feel sorry for the kids more than anyone else. But, this may be how it has to be.
Betty asks…
anyone know service, book etc to help resolve childhood issues and build self esteem?
i am in my third unhappy relationship. previous two were to agressive controlling men this one is not much better although more emotional cruelty.
i realise i need to change, i am really insecure, jealous when husband looks at other women etc and i dont want to feel like this anymore.
some women dont care i want to be like them. i feel i need to build my self esteem. i cant afford counselling and relate have a long waiting list. I had a difficult and at times traumatic childhood and i feel this may have contributed to how i am now.
I am looking for something that may help long term, i have tried some books but find they dont work long term. i know my marriage needs to change but feel i need to address my issues and get stronger first.
i have been reading about co dependency which sounds like me but how do you treat it?
any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks
MarriageCounseling answers:
Check out this book: “How to be an Adult…A handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration” by David Richo, PH.D. I know how you feel and believe me when I say that this book is like a handbook and guide into discovering and realising a healthier and realistic outlook on life, no matter where you may be coming from. The only thing is that you should really make sure that you want more then anything else to change yourself and also your entire lifestyle. I might suggest that you highlight exactly what pertains to both you and your partner and then read the book together or else I highly doubt you and you alone can change your unhealthy relationship because half of it will remain unhealthy even if you do what you need to do in the handbook. Kinda like in AA or NA when they tell you that if both people in the relationship are addicts, then either the relationship or the sobriety of one of the parties will never work because making a serious change in lifestyle usually entails drastic and difficult measures in order to ensure a successful outcome of change. Good luck and let me know if you need anymore info about this book!
Nancy asks…
anyone know any resource, book to help resolve childhood issues and build self esteem?
i am in my third unhappy relationship. previous two were to agressive controlling men this one is not much better although more emotional cruelty.
i realise i need to change, i am really insecure, jealous when husband looks at other women etc and i dont want to feel like this anymore.
some women dont care i want to be like them. i feel i need to build my self esteem. i cant afford counselling and relate have a long waiting list. I had a difficult and at times traumatic childhood and i feel this may have contributed to how i am now.
I am looking for something that may help long term, i have tried some books but find they dont work long term. i know my marriage needs to change but feel i need to address my issues and get stronger first.
i have been reading about co dependency which sounds like me but how do you treat it?
any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks
MarriageCounseling answers:
Ok first of all you need to stop blaming yourself for everything that has happenned to you either it was when you were a child or now when you are adult . It is not your foult you had relationship with aggressive men. You might not know this but this is known as Domestic Violence it dont metter if it is physical or if it is imotional. You can get help from Women’s aid or Local Victim support they both are free. You can get counselling from theses organisations for free. But its not you who needs to change really, yes you vegot issues and you need to deal with them and get stronger you ll be amazed by the help you ll get from these people they ll get you into confidence building course too which is free. I really hope it helps but if you need to have a chat my email is shaina77mcelroy@yahoo.co.uk
David asks…
Help! I think I am ready to leave my husband!?
After 5 months of trying to savage a marriage with my husband having an affair, flaunting it in my face and refusing to stop it because of his love for this women I am trying to prepare myself to leave and file for divorce. I have tried marriage counseling, he went one session and refused to go back. I have tried reading all sorts of pleasing your husband and fixing relationship books, they don’t work if the other is not willing to work at it to. He supposively have now broke it off with her since he found out I was leaving but they are still calling each other and I have found out all sorts of things that are unforgiveable. So unfortunately after all my efforts to try and stop this marriage from ending I have come to the conclusion that I am not able to keep my family together all by myself. So I am asking if anyone has any advice in going through the divorce, any good books to read to get me prepared and what I should expect? He is going to fight this every step of the way.
Because he wants us both. I have a decent job. I also have a 2 year old son. I have found out this women is doing and selling drugs and my husband takes my son over to her house, he has also been supporting her and her two kids with OUR money. This is the part I can’t forgive. So how do I protect my son and I from all this and yet make this a not so nasty divorce for any of us.. Is that even possible?
I am not looking for revenge or to spread lies about him. I am looking for what I need to do to prepare myself and my son to leave so I can go file. I am not a bad person and I know I deserve better, I have seen two different lawyers. I know I can google this stuff and I have but I wanted opinions from other people, who know or experience this and what needs to be done. So please don’t critcize me.
I do have recordings of him discussing their sex life and relationship and the drugs. I don’t want to use them if I don’t have to. I just want out and for my son to be protected. My husband knows alot of powerful people in powerful positions. So I know I need to live the city I live in.
MarriageCounseling answers:
Document everything. You need pictures and phone conversations. You need to get yourself a very good lawyer and sock it to him. That is the best revenge.
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