Richard asks…
my wife and other men?
My wife and I have already been through counseling and all…
She has admitted to one affair that i know of – it ended up “sparking” our sex lives!
We are soul-mates. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
I cannot change who I am sexually. I guess I am just verry old fashioned when it comes to that.
We both know this.
How bad is it – to let her have her “fun” outside of our marriage??
I know…big question is “WHY did we get married”??
We do love each other….as crazy as it sounds.
She just has more of an appetite for sex, and I cant match that.
Can WE be happy with her being with other guys occasionally?
I know people call it “swinging”..i hate that term.
If we are genuine soul-mates, which I DO feel from the bottom of my heart – can i allow this?
Is there such a thing as a happy marriage – even with outside sex involved?
Thanks for honest answers…please dont bash me.
I know this is not a “normal” thing in todays society.
Thanks.
MarriageCounseling answers:
Pretty wierd does it turn you on?
Charles asks…
Please help, my husband cheated and I am so lost?
I found out last night that my husband cheated on me with 9 different people over the last four years. In 2006 I had an emotional affair with another man. I was craving attention and I didn’t feel like I was getting it from my husband. I started talking to different people on the internet and eventually started turning to them with questions and thoughts and what ever was going on in my life that I thought was good. I realize that I was wrong in doing that, I have apologized many times for this, he still thinks that I also physically cheated on him, which I never did! I didn’t want to listen to his feelings then, and I thought that he should be a man about it and just get over it at the time, I didn’t put him in physical danger. From what he told me last night he started having multiple affairs on me shortly thereafter. He has said he has been with 9 other people. 5 women and 4 men. He said he only got BJ’s from three of the men and actually did it with only one, and that he didn’t enjoy it. He said he has gotten seriously involved with a 2 of the women one about 2 years ago, and one now. He goes on about how he loves me and is sorry for hurting me, and that he never thought he would do anything like this. I ask him if he wants to make our marriage work, we have been married for almost 9 years (it will 9 years on July 20th this year) and he can’t give me a straight answer. He just says that he loves me and won’t say much of anything else. About 3-4 months ago, he told me that things needed to change, specifically that I needed to tone down some of my reactions, (I can go overboard) I have a hard time of letting something rest until I know just about everything I need to know to make an informed decision, but now I am so lost. We have 3 children 8, 3, and 1. I don’t want them to grow up with out their Daddy. But how am I supposed to handle this, he told me all of this and all I can think about is trying to get past this and forgive him and try and make this work.I love him. We decided to go to marriage counseling, and our first meeting was yesterday, but the part that hurt the most was that he had sex with the woman that he is seeing now, right before he came home to go counseling with me. (they work together) I would appreciate some advice on what to do and not do or anything. I am so lost and confused right now.
When I was talking to these other guys on the the internet, I was seriously thinking of leaving him as I was allowing myself to become emotionally attached to a few of them I talked to. And he says that this was the worst kind of betrayal I could do. Once I decided that I wanted to work it out with him back then, I cut all contact I had with the men on the internet off, and I haven’t talked to them since. But he can’t seem to let that go, and I don’t think he is a complete flaming gay, but I wonder if he might be bi, he told me the men didn’t mean anything but I don’t know.
MarriageCounseling answers:
If you ignore the underlying element missing from this situation it will repeat itself over and over forever: intimacy. You were missing it when you turned elsewhere, he has probably admitted to missing it somehow and will turn anywhere to get it. It is what everyone is looking for and few actually find. It fills that void that people try to fill with drugs, shopping, gambling, food, TV, whatever. We want that closeness and support, the true joy that comes from really connecting with someone. You aren’t getting it from each other and are searching elsewhere. Frankly you have a better chance of finding it with each other than getting divorced and finding it somewhere else. Moreover, studies show the children are happier even in a strained relationship than they are in a broken one. He says he loves you, I bet he does or he would be gone. For the children, make every effort to focus on connecting with him particularly in the bedroom. If you keep him empty of love juice, he will feel less inclined to have somebody else empty him, even though he is probably caught in a sexually addictive cycle; there is help for that. You’re children would be better served if you found some faith and forgiveness, rather than selfishness. Have your husband read this too.
Laura asks…
10 PTS!!! NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET PLZ!!?
As most of you read through my questions i have had marriage trouble for a very long time. My husband and i have basically separated and still living in same house due to financial problems and year contract of apartment we both cant afford by ourselves. i love him but he doesn’t love me the same he also doesn’t know if he can change how he feels cause he so fed up of all the bs we been through. He got depressed i got insecure and just went down hill from there for 4 years. im so afraid of losing him cause all i see is the good times we had and how good we were and how well he treated me until i started to push him away. He decided he will give marriage counseling a go (i didn’t want to force him so had to wait for him to decide that on his own, i did ask but he wasn’t sure. his coworker friend suggested it to and he decided he owes me and us all chances before ending our 6 year marriage) he doesn’t want to give me false hope cause he is not sure if he can change how he feels. i also feel if i stay with him under these circumstances i will go insane cause seeing him and being around him when i love him so much and just want to hold him makes me go crazy and the thought of him not even caring or loving me back right now.
Here is my dilemma: if i move out to give him space im afraid he will grow further apart from me and it will be over.
If i stay im afraid i will always be wondering and trying to win him back ill drive him further away.
im trying to give him his space and not to be jealous or worry and think negative. im told i need to work on me and find myself in this process. Im so afraid of change and this to me is a big change. My husband and i have been together so long and always spent all our off time together and enjoyed it and now i have to go out and do things on my own and let him go out with the friend im jealous of by himself. im afraid to let go. im holding on to a man that i loved and cherished on memories that are gone now and things will never be the same but im just hoping and wanting to stay with this man. cause i feel without him my soul mate i will never find a man i have so many common interests with. Im 33 and i don’t really want to start the dating all over again. i cant change how he feels but im hoping in the marriage counseling we might be able to work on the issues that were making him unhappy and try. anyone been through this problem or similar problem? do you think marriage counseling will help me? im upset and depressed. i just want to cry all the time……
just to say as well i have been working on my marriage for so long i have no friends here. He has no friends except his single female coworker which he finds attractive but they are only friends. i want this to work out cause i love him and i am very open and friendly person im sure i can find someone else no problem but i really truly just want him.
MarriageCounseling answers:
Double check if ‘his single female coworker which he finds attractive but they are only friends’ is100% only a friend. Sorry but it’s hard to believe…
If I was in your place, I would feel the same.
But…
You have to stand up for yourself.
I know, I know how difficult it is from the point, where you are now.
So first, you have to ask him about that coworker- ‘are you with her now? Do you love her?’
If yes..please, start packing and move out. You HAVE TO do that for yourself.If you don’t, all that stress will kill you.Emotionally and physically.
Find a room, rent it.I know, at the moment you feel like you don’t have a strength for this. You feel like you don’t have anyone to support you. Even if you are alone in the whole world, there always is something, someone ahead of you.(I am not religious, but..:)
If you have no job, try to find it.Maybe you can ask for help- job seekers allowance or help with your rent. You have to get out of the circumstances where you are now.
Good luck and take care.
Sharon asks…
Can i change his mind?
As most of you read through my questions i have had marriage trouble for a very long time. My husband and i have basically separated and still living in same house due to financial problems and year contract of apartment we both cant afford by ourselves. i love him but he doesn’t love me the same he also doesn’t know if he can change how he feels cause he so fed up of all the bs we been through. He got depressed i got insecure and just went down hill from there for 4 years. im so afraid of losing him cause all i see is the good times we had and how good we were and how well he treated me until i started to push him away. He decided he will give marriage counseling a go (i didn’t want to force him so had to wait for him to decide that on his own, i did ask but he wasn’t sure. his coworker friend suggested it to and he decided he owes me and us all chances before ending our 6 year marriage) he doesn’t want to give me false hope cause he is not sure if he can change how he feels. i also feel if i stay with him under these circumstances i will go insane cause seeing him and being around him when i love him so much and just want to hold him makes me go crazy and the thought of him not even caring or loving me back right now.
Here is my dilemma: if i move out to give him space im afraid he will grow further apart from me and it will be over.
If i stay im afraid i will always be wondering and trying to win him back ill drive him further away.
im trying to give him his space and not to be jealous or worry and think negative. im told i need to work on me and find myself in this process. Im so afraid of change and this to me is a big change. My husband and i have been together so long and always spent all our off time together and enjoyed it and now i have to go out and do things on my own and let him go out with the friend im jealous of by himself. im afraid to let go. im holding on to a man that i loved and cherished on memories that are gone now and things will never be the same but im just hoping and wanting to stay with this man. cause i feel without him my soul mate i will never find a man i have so many common interests with. Im 33 and i don’t really want to start the dating all over again. i cant change how he feels but im hoping in the marriage counseling we might be able to work on the issues that were making him unhappy and try. anyone been through this problem or similar problem? do you think marriage counseling will help me? im upset and depressed. i just want to cry all the time……
just to say as well i have been working on my marriage for so long i have no friends here. He has no friends except his single female coworker which he finds attractive but they are only friends. i want this to work out cause i love him and i am very open and friendly person im sure i can find someone else no problem but i really truly just want him.
MarriageCounseling answers:
Agreeing to counseling is a BIG step in the right direction.
As far as changing how he feels, he is not sure because he has done nothing to help previously.
‘ i want this to work out cause i love him and i am very open and friendly person im sure i can find someone else no problem but i really truly just want him.”
TELL THIS TO HIM JUST LIKE YOU SAID IT.
Get into the counseling and let us know how it goes.
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