Your Questions About Military Marriage Counseling

How do I explain this to my husband?

I married my husband when I was 20. We were stationed overseas for the military and met there. I had just got out of a messy relationship and started dating him soon after the previous relationship ended. He was nice to me unlike the previous guy. We dated 5 months and got married. I knew at the time I was making the wrong decision but figured that we could work through it. For the first year of our marriage, I just figured marriage was just “meh” and thought that was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t have any real passion in the marriage. As months went on, I was miserable. I didn’t feel like myself. I talked to my husband many times about it and it was always swept under the rug. He would put guilt trips on me say, “ohh i’m such a bad husband” etc. I tried being happy and I put on a big show for family and friends. So I started working at a dept store at almost 2 years into the marriage and made a few good friends there. One guy I worked with, we became good friends. Completely professional… only at work.. we talked about life, family, friends etc but i was so in-like with this guy. So after many failed attempts of leaving my husband, I finally got up the courage to leave. I told my husband I wanted to separate. I started dating this guy that I became friends with.. this was about 6 months ago. We fell madly in love with eachother… but he felt like i was unsure about really divorcing my husband so he started putting a guard around his heart…. he had been hurt very badly by his ex wife. So about 2 months ago… me and I will call him R decide to cool it for awhile because we were both busy with school, work and he was very guarded. I never stopped loving R. R never stopped loving me. The whole time my husband and I were/have been separated, my hubby has continued to try and talk me into getting back with him… telling me he knows went wrong, he has changed, he can make me fall back in love with him again and he will do anything. He was pretty much harassing me the whole time. So about 2 months ago, around the same time R and I took a break… i decided I would try and make things work with my hubby. Everytime, we decide to start as friends and take it from there. We have a good time together until it crosses the friends line.. as soon as ANY intimancy comes into play, I freeze up and don’t even want to be touched. This is not normal with me because I love intimacy. I can’t even stand holding my husbands hand. I don’t mind hanging out with him, but anything above friends… i immediately want to call it quits. Him trying to kiss me just makes me cringe. And my husband is a nice guy, simple man, decent looking and in pretty good shape…. so it hurts me so much that I hurt him. So everytime that happens.. i say i need space again… and i break his heart all over again. This has happened 3-4 times. We went to counseling… but I am not sexually attracted to him. Whether or not R and I get back together, I know what the feeling is to be so madly in love, not like how i was with my husband, ever. So because I now know that feeling, I want that with R or someone that gives me that feeling. And my husband unfortuneatly doesn’t give me that feeling, and never has. I don’t want to go through life just feeling “meh”. So I guess my question is… how do I explain this to my husband?

Sorry its so long.

How do I communicate this to my husband?

I asked this earlier… but I would like more responses…. thanks!!!

I married my husband when I was 20. We were stationed overseas for the military and met there. I had just got out of a messy relationship and started dating him soon after the previous relationship ended. He was nice to me unlike the previous guy. We dated 5 months and got married. I knew at the time I was making the wrong decision but figured that we could work through it. For the first year of our marriage, I just figured marriage was just “meh” and thought that was how it was supposed to be. I didn’t have any real passion in the marriage. As months went on, I was miserable. I didn’t feel like myself. I talked to my husband many times about it and it was always swept under the rug. He would put guilt trips on me say, “ohh i’m such a bad husband” etc. I tried being happy and I put on a big show for family and friends. So I started working at a dept store at almost 2 years into the marriage and made a few good friends there. One guy I worked with, we became good friends. Completely professional… only at work.. we talked about life, family, friends etc but i was so in-like with this guy. So after many failed attempts of leaving my husband, I finally got up the courage to leave. I told my husband I wanted to separate. I started dating this guy that I became friends with.. this was about 6 months ago. We fell madly in love with eachother… but he felt like i was unsure about really divorcing my husband so he started putting a guard around his heart…. he had been hurt very badly by his ex wife. So about 2 months ago… me and I will call him R decide to cool it for awhile because we were both busy with school, work and he was very guarded. I never stopped loving R. R never stopped loving me. The whole time my husband and I were/have been separated, my hubby has continued to try and talk me into getting back with him… telling me he knows went wrong, he has changed, he can make me fall back in love with him again and he will do anything. He was pretty much harassing me the whole time. So about 2 months ago, around the same time R and I took a break… i decided I would try and make things work with my hubby. Everytime, we decide to start as friends and take it from there. We have a good time together until it crosses the friends line.. as soon as ANY intimancy comes into play, I freeze up and don’t even want to be touched. This is not normal with me because I love intimacy. I can’t even stand holding my husbands hand. I don’t mind hanging out with him, but anything above friends… i immediately want to call it quits. Him trying to kiss me just makes me cringe. And my husband is a nice guy, simple man, decent looking and in pretty good shape…. so it hurts me so much that I hurt him. So everytime that happens.. i say i need space again… and i break his heart all over again. This has happened 3-4 times. We went to counseling… but I am not sexually attracted to him. Whether or not R and I get back together, I know what the feeling is to be so madly in love, not like how i was with my husband, ever. So because I now know that feeling, I want that with R or someone that gives me that feeling. And my husband unfortuneatly doesn’t give me that feeling, and never has. I don’t want to go through life just feeling “meh”. So I guess my question is… how do I explain this to my husband?

Sorry its so long.

Change in Custody with a Georgia Divorce Decree Immediately for a 15 year old on probation for curfew.?

I am the Custodial parent of 4 with an almost 7year old Divorce decree receiving Child Support for the last 2. We share Joint Legal Custody. The 13 yr old boy has Autism and the 15 yr old girl used to cut her self, is on probation for curfew violation, has a problem with authority, and an ax to grind with me because the divorce was obviously more my fault than her father’s. We only lived in Georgia for a year and a half of a 14 year marriage and I moved back to Michigan a month after filing due to my ex-husband’s return because of physical and emotional abuse and non-support. I had to leave many of our things behind and he threw them away. Mine and the Kids. He was in the military and was advised that after having beat me the last time, that he should receive EXTENSIVE counseling before reuniting with his family from Iraq. That was in 2002, 2003. Since then the divorce became final with him paying very little to support 4 children who were 12-5 at that time. He and his attorney provided for no medical in the order, only 2 or 4 weeks visitation in the summer and the minimum during the year. Verbally though, he refused to have them all at one time! He also included that we would split the cost of transportation even though he left the military immediately but chose to stay in Georgia and his parents live here in Michigan. He also included that for paying $500 a month CS he would get to claim them on his income tax returns FOREVER or INDEFINITELY!! And of course it included that we would have to have the others address. In spite of the physical abuse. However, right after the divorce was finalized he left the military, stopped paying child support which also means the kids medical stopped abruptly, also. He paid for about 3 months after the divorce was finalized. Fast forward to now, He hasn’t seen any of his 4 kids since October 25, 2002. He constantly blames me for that when he isn’t too scared to speak to me. But every year he claims them on his income tax returns which by federal law is a crime and has caused my husband and I to be audited. But we rightly receive the credit every year anyway! HAD TO GIVE YOU THE BACKGROUND!
The 15 year old was told a few years back by the NCP that she could live with him. At that time I didn’t feel like like that was a good idea. She hadn’t seen him, he was constantly changing his phone number, he was bitter as hell, and he hadn’t exercised one minute of visitation. And if he disconnected his cell phone again I would have no way of knowing what was going on with my baby. But I needn’t have worried because although he did lead her on, ultimately he cut off contact after a few weeks when his phone was disconnected. She was upset, but I was able to soothe her and get her through it. The divorce decree states that in order for him to exercise his visitation for the summer, or overnight I would need advance notification of 2 weeks. Last year he had his MOTHER call my house and tell the kids that he would be there in 2 hours if they wanted to come over. I did not allow that. She blames me for this even though, my safety was at issue, items in the divorce decree, and the fact that I will not pay for his visit to his mother’s just because he just so happened to have me deliver his children to him per her request. My daughter says she hates me (blah,blah,blah), has violated curfew 2 days after being placed on it and I have WHOLEHEARTEDLY agreed for her to go and live with her father. After she was able to contact him and he told her she could come live with him she was a different child. Now, she has caused child protective services to be called on me and I have 2 younger children aged 2 & 4 year old girls with my REAL husband to think about. The problem is her father is now saying that he isn’t gonna take her to other people not her. He won’t believe what I say about what’s going on with her. She is willing to do what ever it takes so that she can’t stay here. He hasn’t told her he isn’t taking her, only her older sister who she has been staying with the last few days. His excuse is it’s going to take too long to change custody through the courts. I think he only cares about the child support. I’m afraid if he doesn’t take her she will try and hurt herself again to get his attention. The NCP says he will only believe someone that gives him information that is in a position of “authority”. But he won’t call them, and they all say that they can’t talk to him unless he’s involved in treatment and another MAN says that if he’s not MAN enough to call about his daughter, how can he be trusted to raise her? I agree, but I’m done! He lives down the street from the court and I”m 1200 miles away. Can’t we just sign papers here transfer custody, have it signed by a notary and he can file the papers when he gets back and let him enroll her in school with him? The courts h

I just don’t know what I should do…?

Ok so we’ll be married for 2 years here at the end of the month and we’ll be together for 3 years at the beginning of October. he was 18 and I was 21 when we married. He joined the military the June before we married and Before we married I had also never been on my own. when I graduated high school I moved in with other family to go to college, but I never finished my degree. I feel like I should leave him and go to college and do things on my own and gain my own independance. I don’t have a job though and won’t really have a good one until I finish college. I’m actually trying to go back to school right now, but with being military and far from home I don’t exactly know what to do about how i’m feeling. I’m scared of disappointing everyone in my family, but I’m not happy like I know I should be. Since we married, I have gradually felt my sexual attraction to him decline, and he is constantly begging for sex that i’m not in the mood for(yeah like 3-4 times a day and most of the time I give in b/c if not it’s always one more thing we argue about…money, video games, chores, plans after army etc..) I love him, but I don’t think I Love him enough to stay with him in this marriage and he deserves to be happy too. He has been deployed for almost a whole year now and coming home very shortly. I think maybe I should tell him how I feel and suggest counseling when he gets back, but if what i’m wanting is really independance than how is keeping this marriage together even possible? I just don’t know….any FRIENDLY advice???

BTW..I am now 23, he is 20, and we have no kids.
Some of the details, such as the giving in to things and other problems, were “issues” already forming before he left….