Your Questions About Military Marriage Counseling

MarriageCounseling answers:

So, I’m in your husband’s situation. First and foremost, I think it’s great you guys are working through it and that you’ve allowed him to feel comfortable enough to share these feelings with you. That will help in the success of your marriage.
So, I had an affair for 10 months with a man I also worked with. We’re both Realtors, so upon my husband learning of the affair, I left the office to take myself out of the situation. My husband, being the wonderful, gracious man that he is, didn’t make me leave, but I knew it would put his mind at ease. Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to be very weak to this other man and we still talked for a bit afterward. I fell in love with him. But, I knew he wasn’t the man I wanted to be with. He wouldn’t make me happy the way my husband does. But, one day, I went into the office and saw him. We talked for a while and I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said maybe in a bit. After I walked out of the office, I broke down, called him and apologized because I knew it was wrong and a terrible idea…he agreed. When I got off the phone, I cried like I was a 15 year old girl who’s boyfriend just broke up with her and I thought my world was ending. It is absolutely a feeling of grieving. Going through the process of not allowing yourself to hangout with someone you want to hang out with makes you feel like they’re dead. They have to be dead to you in order to put them behind you. It’s a horrible feeling. It doesn’t take away from the emotions and love you have toward your spouse, it’s more like grieving for a loved one that passed away. Because I knew it would bother my husband tremendously, I’ve never really explained that to him. And, I’m used to my husband being my comforter when I’m in pain, so not telling him that I’m grieving is extremely difficult. That’s why I think it’s great you two have a relationship that he can tell you that. The part that makes me want to kick myself the most, is that I lost a friend. Before the affair, we would chat on the phone and go to lunch, etc. Because we were friends and my husband knew we were friends. I never, ever expected to find myself sexually involved with him. So, thinking to myself that if I just wouldn’t have crossed that boundary, I’d still have him in my life kills me. But, it’s something I’m learning to deal with. And your husband is probably in very similar shoes. It sounds like he’s doing everything he has to to move forward and not allow himself to fall again, but it doesn’t mean those feelings just go away. He’s probably not grieving a lover, as much as he’s grieving the loss of a friend. For me, this has been one of the most painful situations I’ve been in. I hide the pain when my husband is around because I don’t want him to think that because I’m in pain that I want to be with this other man. My husband was married for 29 years and was in a loveless marriage. Besides me, he’s never experienced a passionate, loving relationship. So, since I shared that with this other man it’s hard for him to understand that can happen without me wanting to be with him. So, he doesn’t ask and I don’t tell him I’m hurting. If he did ask, I’d probably be honest as your husband has done, but I don’t think my husband wants to know. But, it sounds like you understand where your husband is coming from. And the more you allow him to be honest with the pain he’s experiencing, the better off you two will be. I’d be concerned if you asked and he acted like everything was fine and it isn’t a problem for him anymore, ya know?
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, and I’m sorry that people like me and your husband cause pain to the people that mean the most to us. It sounds like he’s learned his lesson, and I know I’ve learned mine. May isn’t too far away and, as long as he’s forced to run across her, he may not fully heal until he is transferred. So, the best thing you can do is be supportive and loving, and continue to let him confide in you.
I wish the best for both of you!

MarriageCounseling answers:

Things do change when your’e away from your spouse, especially for long periods of time. She’s been away from the both of you and has a lot of emotions to deal with. She’s got a lot of fears that are influencing this behavior. Yes, you do need counselling, but like you said, it won’t be easy with the distance being this way.

She needs to know more than ever how much you care about her, and how much you think about her. Even though you might say it, you need to show it. How active were you in doing this while she was gone? Has your child written letters? Drawn pictures?… Have you written letters? Sent care packages?
It’s hard being a woman in the military, she’s probably not being influenced by anyone with a very healthy marriage life and might think her fears are only going to be solidified when and if she returns. I am not saying this could be true, but people talk a lot and when you’ve got nothing better to do than listen, all sorts of things begin to warp your mind. Her mental break down is only a classic example of this, she’s soo beyond confused.
She could simply be feeling remorse for leaving her child and missing 3months.. Maybe she feels it would be better for her to be with you full time while she pursued her career/. Whatever it is, it needs to come out. Even for her own sake, ask her to talk to a counserlor and clear her mind. Ask her what you need to do, has she just lost the spark? Because that can be put back easily.. Maybe not right away, but if you could spend more time talking to her, and writting to her, she could get excited about hearing from you again. Don’t call, write and send pictures instead, send her little gifts of chocolate or scented soap..

Whatever it is, you need to have her tell you what you can do..

Then, go from there.It doesn’t sound like a lost cause, she still loves you and cares about you, maybe she just doesn’t know how to put the spark back in either..

MarriageCounseling answers:

It’s a mental disorder all right — and only he can “fix” it.
U R too soft for always taking him back and he knows he can run over the top of U.
He does not love U — he loves himself and is selfish.
He is egotistical.
There are lots of reasons men cheat, but still does not make it right.
Hope U do not have kids, it will make a divorce easier.
Tell him it is either the marriage or not.
Don’t share him any longer.
Get tough.

MarriageCounseling answers:

I dont think you are both wanting to be together… I’d say divorce and start fresh new lives in different directions sounds like the best option… Especially if you are both active duty.

I’m 20 years retired and know that living apart is not condusive to keeping a marriage together.

If you really thin you can work it out and try it again you must be together. A long distance relationsship, at too seperate locations is not going to help you. Talk it through and be together before starting over.

Good luck with your choice