Ron wrote:
We had been married for a year. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our intimate relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.
Then, without warning, he said he “needs some time to think and figure things out.” He stopped talking. When he did, I was often met with silence. When I asked “what happened”, I just got a run around of excuses about how overwhelmed…
What happened? What did I do? I don’t know what to think.
Does the above scene sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a their behavior.
Now think about this – What if your intimate relationship wasn’t what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn’t see? Are any of these possible?
Probably.
This sudden change in a couple’s intimate relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been “dumped” with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.
There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their intimate relationship.
So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed intimate relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn’t right between you.
In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the intimate relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person’s feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the “fault” of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals’ rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual’s intimate relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.
How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article, coming soon…
For more go to Easy Marriage Counseling
Dr. Max Vogt is known as one
of America's top psychologists and
marriage counselors. His bestselling books, articles and programs have
been helping people have happy, successful marriages for over 25 years.
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{ 9 comments }
We're often left with the question “What did I do wrong?”, or “Was it something that I did/said?”
Guilt is part and parcel of relationship break-ups, and we often never know the real reason.
People change and so do feelings.
Men are often unable to express what makes them “get cold feet”, or to talk about their feelings in general.
Good points… except that men are very able to talk about what makes them
get “cold feet” and to talk about their feelings. VERY able to do so.
Except they don't use the “standard” therapy language to do so, since the
standard “Oprah style” way of talking about feelings, etc is not their way.
This scene is all too familiar, with the male partner just shutting up and the female trying to work out what she's done wrong.
Guys…do us an enormous favor…TALK, even if it is against nature.
Girls…don't blame yourselves. YOU're not to blame.
THere is just a basic biological, communication broblem between the sexes.
Drmax,
What is their way???!!!
What language DO they use? Whatever it is, it's nor on the same wavelength.
I'm not critisizing. Just stating a fact.
WE still love you, no matter what!
Howdy
Recent studies have confirmed that men talk just as much as women. Have
you ever been on a golf course or in a bar or listened to guys on the
job? Men talk and talk and talk and talk.
SOME men don't feel like what THEY say in the way they would say it is
of any interest.
No one is to blame. And thee is no basic biological communication
problem.
Also remember, there's talking and there's communicating. Simply piling
up words is not the same as communicating.
It's all in the expectations of the culture, in the stuff the “BS Fairy”
has jammed in our heads.
When you use a non “battle of the sexes” approach like the Marriage
Blueprints, you discover that there's really no difference between men
and women in the ways that really count in relationships.
Thanks for the comment and let's keep talking
- Dr. Max
Hmmm, “we still love you” sounds like you are responding to a crippled
puppy. It sounds like a divisive statement, not a uniting one.
The language is definitely on the same wavelength, we just need to get
the messages of the BS Fairy out of our heads about this “man v. woman”
thing and start tuning in to the “Relationship Success Channel,” as I
teach in my course.
I appreciate you and your comments!
Howdy
Recent studies have confirmed that men talk just as much as women. Have
you ever been on a golf course or in a bar or listened to guys on the
job? Men talk and talk and talk and talk.
SOME men don't feel like what THEY say in the way they would say it is
of any interest.
No one is to blame. And thee is no basic biological communication
problem.
Also remember, there's talking and there's communicating. Simply piling
up words is not the same as communicating.
It's all in the expectations of the culture, in the stuff the “BS Fairy”
has jammed in our heads.
When you use a non “battle of the sexes” approach like the Marriage
Blueprints, you discover that there's really no difference between men
and women in the ways that really count in relationships.
Thanks for the comment and let's keep talking
- Dr. Max
Hmmm, “we still love you” sounds like you are responding to a crippled
puppy. It sounds like a divisive statement, not a uniting one.
The language is definitely on the same wavelength, we just need to get
the messages of the BS Fairy out of our heads about this “man v. woman”
thing and start tuning in to the “Relationship Success Channel,” as I
teach in my course.
I appreciate you and your comments!
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